Suffering in Silence

Question: How does silence affect a D/s Relationship? Answer? Significantly

Silence is not always golden. As many of you have read, I’ve been going through some tough times lately and they continue. I’m fairly empty inside and even the joy of writing is well no longer joyful. I’ve been pushed into a very quiet, reflective place and while at times the alone time can allow for growth or help with change, not this time. I said it before, “in the absence of information peopleA Submissives_s Prayer make up shit”. The rabbit hole continues and for me, the lack of knowledge is like a knife. I’ve had a couple of good friends who’ve kept me off the rafters as I call it, but after a while they don’t know what to say, how to comfort.

As you well know, men and women are COMPLETELY different in so many ways. In times of strife, women are the “need to know now” kind of people in order to be able to process, deal or heal. Men tend to suck in the struggle, push the situation into a compartment until they have the mental capability to deal with whatever is going on. That’s when the push/pull comes into play. That’s certainly what’s going on with John Patrick and I and it’s killing me. The more I attempt to figure out things, the more I worry, frustrate, over analyze, over process, cry, worry, not sleep, drink, etc. You get the picture. And when I banter on like a blabbering idiot in an attempt to get information, he shuts down. Classic eh?

Within D/s relationships, communication and being open about everything is vital. The inability to do so can crush the relationship just as easily as any other emotional aspect and in my opinion more so than in a vanilla relationship. You have to be so very close, so tightly woven where the trust is unquestionable. When there is silence, everything begins to derail. John Patrick hates drama and being pushed more than anything. That I knew a LONG time ago, however, he also stated early on he needed someone who wouldn’t hide behind issues, would talk about anything and everything. That’s what we’ve had up until now. So, the quandary for me has been letting it go for now – have patience.

He and I have talked about my lack of patience – he’s right. I so believe in reincarnation and I said a long time ago I keep coming back until I learn this very thing. Boy oh boy this is stretching me beyond limits. Now do I realize this is a bit extenuating on both sides and a normal situation a couple goes through? Oh you bet. This is potentially life changing as well as life damaging, let alone all of the raw emotions involved. I get all of it. I know he needs time and space, but… I’m worn down, empty and moving into that shut down place where you can learn to A moment of being hisdeal or heal. Hell, I have no idea which it is since I have only a snippet of information in which to process. However, he asked for my patience and I will give it – for now. What I do hate is feeling like an island, as if he doesn’t understand or respect my level of suffering. I don’t use that word lightly – lots of edges and mazes around why.

This brought my thinking about the D/s relationship he and I share with regard to anyone thinking about moving into or are already several steps into the journey. I’ve mentioned D/s bonding is stronger than marriage for many couples. As such, the Dom usually feels a heightened level of responsibility for the care and guidance of a submissive. John Patrick might be fairly new to the lifestyle, but he and I have talked about the needs as well as the dynamics, exploring every aspect. He’s always taken his level of responsibility very stringently. He’s told me many a time he needs, to process the concept and knows he’ll grow in time, but he takes the fact I’ve trusted him implicitly which enabled me to submit to him seriously. Why was I able to trust and honor, obey and respect him? Because I received this is kind and we were so open, so very honest about every aspect of our life – both good and bad. That’s truly rare these days and not to be taken lightly.

Therein for us personally and perhaps more as a woman lies the disconnect. Why when he was able to talk to me about anything before doesn’t he now? Pride or the fact he’s showing weakness in his mind and very un-Dom like? Well my thoughts? Hogwash. Men have just as many emotions racing through them as we do and whether they process difficulties differently doesn’t matter. They hurt just like women do. For the submissive, if her Dom is hurting, her devotion kicks into overdrive. She wants nothing more than to soothe him and when there’s no information, no real connection, she feels lost – almost broken.

I’ve talked with other submissives before about this and didn’t get it. Until now. I told him a long time ago part of my “job” so to speak was to protect him, soothe him and service him. I’ve pretty much failed in my mind lately. I think many submissives go through this. The Dom becomes such a strong part of her life – not that she’s mindless and can’t handle things on her own – but the emotions are all tied together. When there’s a rift, current, etc. then it’s tough to deal with. I can also say that yes, I believe he’s failed me and in truth, I think he knows that – something else difficult for him to swallow.

This very notion has had me wondering whether the D/s matters any longer to him and I hate that tremendously, but my questioning is natural I think. For John Patrick, I know this is bothering him on several levels. He simply hasn’t been able to re-compartmentalize what has happened in order to move him out of the dark place. That I get but silence is deafening. If you’re in a D/s relationship, think about the dark places one or both of you have been. Isn’t the disconnect the killer? Don’t you wonder what you could have done either differently or more of A true Domin order to help or solve the situation? Is this unlike vanilla relationships? No, of course not but boost the feeling exponentially within a D/s relationship and you can imagine the hurt.

I think for men in general they have to realize that women are very hurt when men can’t open up, confide in them. When you add being a Dom on top, the additional stress can be devastating. John Patrick said very early on, our ‘highs’ are extremely high and our ‘lows’ very low. This is a low point, one that is testing everything we’ve shared – both in our vanilla role as well as in the D/s. I don’t know if I can process without knowing more and limbo is dragging me into Hell.

But I’m still wearing my collar, rubbing the chain in order to feel close. I have to wonder if he feels the current. I’ve gotten used to wearing many letters on my shirt recently I just hope I’m not adding ‘F’ next. I’m going to take some time away from writing about D/s. Think you can understand. That doesn’t mean you won’t read a few tasty treats like perhaps a new holiday spanking story. Sadly, I just need to see what happens before I can find the joy in writing this again – IF I ever will.

Thank you for enjoying the blog and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Kisses and spanks…

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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16 Responses to Suffering in Silence

  1. I am amazed and I cannot begin to describe the admiration and the respect I have for you to be able to be so naked before others to strip down and lay bare those emotions. Its not an easy thing to do. My heart goes out to you and to others going through these pains. You are a brave woman and I applaud you for it.


  2. laurellasky says:

    I’m so sorry you are going through this torment but admire the fact that you can lay it all out. I’ve been in a very dark place myself, and I think I’ll never see the light at the end of the tunnel but I have come through and I believe you will also. You are a strong, warm, wonderful young women with so much to offer. I’m sending you big hugs.



  3. Kim says:

    Oh, honey! The silence is the worst and I know where you are. There are days that seem darker than most nights and finding the joy in anything seems like too much effort. Trust me, I love the highs as much as anyone and Sir’s lows can devastate even the happiest person. Stress on top of the D/s just kills Him. Enough so that He has stepped back from certain parts of our relationship and there are days when the dark seems to envelop me. I am sending you hugs, love, chocolate, and the best wishes! You and John Patrick are in my thoughts daily…


    • Thank you Kim – I appreciate your support and good wishes. I know there are all those lows within all of us. I just can’t fathom why he won’t let me in when we’ve shared everything together. There is no way to describe to those who don’t understand a D/s relationship why this is so much worse. No way. I wish you well also with you Sir. I do believe things happen for a reason – just some of them will forever haunt me.


      • Kim says:

        Oh goodness…I feel as if you and I are singing the same song! The feelings are so much more intense in a D/s relationship. I’ve tried to explain it to my friends who simply don’t understand. I’m having the same issue with Sir…after almost 2 years of being best friends and discussing everything, we are down to minimal conversation at best. To say we are having issues is putting it mildly.
        You ever need an ear to listen…I’m here and understand completely! HUGS!!! Hold on, honey, it will get better. And you aren’t a fool…just a woman who loved and believed.


      • D/s has changed by life but in truth it’s about the man, the trust and the intense love. Telling my friends how special this is brings all kinds of odd looks but they hear me and long for what John Patrick and I share. I only hope he holds that in his heart.


  4. laurellasky says:

    Just don’t give up. You never know what’s ahead so hang on. Hugs


  5. Oh, Cassie, you and I are so much alike temperament-wise. I feel your pain. I’ve been there. The younger me always pushed for answers, preferring a quick resolution no matter the damage done. So many men are the opposite. It’s frustrating, maddening, heartbreaking. Esp. when you’re with someone who is able to exercise much control over his actions and feelings. Many a time I’ve had to take deep breaths to resist calling or texting or blowing up, knowing that space was needed. It’s not easy. Not in the least. Keep believing in the strength of your love and bond.


    • I’m trying to give him space while healing the pain that continues to build. I realize he’s a very deeply emotional man and very passionate. I find this is the toughest thing I’ve ever done but I am learning patience as well as more understanding of my needs as well as his. Tough but as long as he eventually confides in me I can handle anything.


  6. Patience is not my strongest virtue either and I totally understand. The need to know now often drives me into deeper waters than I want to be in. Okay-most days. lol. I agree with you that women seem to need it while men can parcel it out and control emotion better-sometimes. I think in any relationship, whether vanilla or D/s, it is a give and take based on each other’s strengths. There is also love and trust that the circle comes back around. For better and for worse. Damn but I hate that last part, especially when the lows get so low you wonder if you can ever look up again. Been there. Hated it. The light did come in and we worked it through. 20 years of marriage and more living together. That’s a lot of give and take and it was all based on love. Everything else in life can ebb and flow, but love is the rock its built on. Let the storm rage and find your rock again when it passes. My hope for you is that its a love that will be the rock to whether change and the evolution we go through as we get older. (wow-sound like my mother) Keeping you in my thoughts. Love and light to you both.


    • Thank you for your kind words. I think any love that can stand the test of time and come through the darkness will be stronger. I realized I need to be his strength and light. He has to know not only that I’m here but that I love him enough to help him work through this horrible time. I am and I love him with all my heart. I only hope he feels my energy and love wrapped around him. He so needs someone who knows and accepts the man inside.


  7. laurellasky says:

    Erzabet said it beautifully and from your last comment you sound more grounded. Just know that we are all pulling for you. Consider this a group hug. 😊


    • I don’t honestly know about grounded. What I did figure out is that I love him more than I can even imagine and he needs the strong me right now. He needs to be able to know I’m here – not judging or criticizing but being his support even when he thinks the entire world is against him. I will be his anchor and remind him he is an incredible man – somehow. The process though is trial and error a bit. I know him well but this has altered his patterns. Still, everything we are going through is worth it. He’s absolutely amazing.


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