And So It’s Done

My heart is broken in ways I can’t fathom tonight nor can I stop crying. John Patrick, the absolute love of my life is no longer in my life. I suspected this sadness would happen and prayed in my own way I could help him find the light, but as with so many things – I couldn’t. The love is so strong, so real, yet he can’t find his way to me. There is no amount of words or understanding that can ease this. There are no words to express the death and silence I feel. And there is no way I can go on as I have been.

D/s for me is dead. I asked him to remove the collar and he did. There are no words to describe the pain knowing the honest trust and love we shared. None. My joy and light, something I’d been searching for my entire life is gone. There are reasons, of which I do respect, but that doesn’t make this easier. Perhaps I am not worthy of what we shared given I’ve been lying to myself and a lot of people about who and what I am and need. That doesn’t make the tears go away.

And so I am broken. I’m usually a strong woman but this is unbearable. I have nothing left inside of me and so I am ceasing writing for a while. Not certain I can ever write again. I found in this that when you are able to embrace such love and joy, such honesty and trust in one person – well when it’s ripped away there is little left. I will always love him and remember that for months we shared what few people ever can – pure joy. Honest love.

Still, life intervenes. He said our love was based on a beginning lie and he is right. We led a double life that few could ever condone but the love was the strongest and deepest I’ve ever felt. In that knowing makes me question so many things about myself as a woman. I will never be able to take the journey into D/s again for you see, he is the only man I could do that with. Yes, some will say time will heal. Perhaps it will to a point of being able to breathe again, but for now – no.

I am broken in ways I never imagined. I do know that when you find something so intensely special you should grab on. Sadly, his obligations and thoughts about our relationship – in that its a lie in certain worlds, precludes his ability to find the light. There is no way to express the emptiness, the depths of my pain. You’ve seen us in our journey – one so beautiful days were filled with the kind of joy rarely found and so few know what to do with.

I will always love him. I will always wonder what if. And no, sometimes the search to make sure might bring you closer. That I don’t know. Tonight I am nothing but a shell of a woman who used to have verve. I don’t blame him. He is an amazing man, one I hope you all can find. For me? I can no longer able to see or think clearly. You can wait your entire life to find someone this special, a man you can share all of you with then when it’s ripped away it’s a death of sorts.

You might argue with  your partner and know in your heart it’s not right. That isn’t the case with us. We both know this is powerful love. We both know what we shared is never something people achieve yet the tides of life bring us challenges. Do I hope he’ll find the light and remember what we shared? Of course. For now I can only grieve finally. The silence is broken.

I will be back at some point but life to me just isn’t worth living right now. i thank all of you for all your words of inspiration to both us. I know they mean as much to John Patrick as they do me. Things happen for a reason. Yes. Life isn’t easy. no. Relationships are based of truths and when you’ve lied to yourself, allowing the complacency of every day to stay where you are, very sad.

Please don’t think ill of him. He is an amazing man, just one trying to find his place. I was his joy as he was mine. I was his other half, the woman he shared everything with as I did with him. He just finds guilt in who we are. I do as well but life is short and love is fleeting. i miss him in a way I can’t explain. Forever I will be sad and hope… I guess if things happen for a reason perhaps this is a test. I only hope the woman inside isn’t broken to the point I can no longer trust.

I have to find me again and remember that the lifestyle is amazing. My devotion to him, my need to please and shower him with all of me was real. He just isn’t sure who he is any longer.

Then again neither am I…

Find your love and light and never let it go.

Cassandre