And So It’s Done

My heart is broken in ways I can’t fathom tonight nor can I stop crying. John Patrick, the absolute love of my life is no longer in my life. I suspected this sadness would happen and prayed in my own way I could help him find the light, but as with so many things – I couldn’t. The love is so strong, so real, yet he can’t find his way to me. There is no amount of words or understanding that can ease 1alwaysthis. There are no words to express the death and silence I feel. And there is no way I can go on as I have been.

D/s for me is dead. I asked him to remove the collar and he did. There are no words to describe the pain knowing the honest trust and love we shared. None. My joy and light, something I’d been searching for my entire life is gone. There are reasons, of which I do respect, but that doesn’t make this easier. Perhaps I am not worthy of what we shared given I’ve been lying to myself and a lot of people about who and what I am and need. That doesn’t make the tears go away.

And so I am broken. I’m usually a strong woman but this is unbearable. I have nothing left inside of me and so I am ceasing writing for a while. Not certain I can ever write again. I found in this that when you are able to embrace such love and joy, such honesty and trust in one person – well when it’s ripped away there is little left. I will always love him and remember that for months we shared what few people ever can – pure joy. Honest love.

Still, life intervenes. He said our love was based on a beginning lie and he is right. We led a double life that few could ever condone but the love was the strongest and deepest I’ve ever felt. In that knowing makes me question so many things about myself as a woman. I will never be able to take the journey into D/s again for you see, he is the only man I could do that with. Yes, some will say time will heal. Perhaps it will to a point of being able to breathe again, but for now – no.

I am broken in ways I never imagined. I do know that when you find something so intensely special you should grab on. Sadly, his obligations and thoughts about our relationship – in that its a lie in certain worlds, precludes his ability to find the light. There is no way to express the emptiness, the depths of my pain. You’ve seen us in our journey – one so beautiful days were filled with the kind of joy rarely found and so few know what to do with.

I will always love him. I will always wonder what if. And no, sometimes the search to make sure might bring you closer. That I don’t know. Tonight I am nothing but a shell of a woman who used to have verve. I don’t blame him. He is an amazing man, one I hope you all can find. For me? I can no longer able to see or think clearly. You can wait your entire life to find someone this special, a man you can share all of you with then when it’s ripped away it’s a death of sorts.

You might argue with  your partner and know in your heart it’s not right. That isn’t the case with us. We both know this is powerful love. We both know what we shared is never something people achieve yet the tides of life bring us challenges. Do I hope he’ll find the light and remember what we shared? Of course. For now I can only grieve finally. The silence is broken.

I will be back at some point but life to me just isn’t worth living right now. i thank all of you for all your words of inspiration to both us. I know they mean as much to John Patrick as they do me. Things happen for a reason. Yes. Life isn’t easy. no. Relationships are based of truths and when you’ve lied to yourself, allowing the complacency of every day to stay where you are, very sad.

Please don’t think ill of him. He is an amazing man, just one trying to find his place. I was his joy as he was mine. I was his other half, the woman he shared everything with as I did with him. He just finds guilt in who we are. I do as well but life is short and love is fleeting. i miss him in a way I can’t explain. Forever I will be sad and hope… I guess if things happen for a reason perhaps this is a test. I only hope the woman inside isn’t broken to the point I can no longer trust.

I have to find me again and remember that the lifestyle is amazing. My devotion to him, my need to please and shower him with all of me was real. He just isn’t sure who he is any longer.

Then again neither am I…

Find your love and light and never let it go.

Cassandre

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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24 Responses to And So It’s Done

  1. bella says:

    My heart goes out to you sweet girl, and to John Patrick. I’ve followed your love story avidly, and smiled with you, laughed, beamed and bawled for you both. Give yourself the time you need to grieve, hugs!

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  2. MCH says:

    Sorry to hear about this situation Cassandra. But, I gotta say the guy’s a fucking idiot. You’re way ahead of him, sweetie. Don’t believe the shit he’s selling to you., re: reasons for breakup. no way girl! I’m sorry, but the guy’s a jerk to do this to you!

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    • No. I will always love him and he is the best man I’ve ever met. For right or wrong reasons he was sent my way. I don’t know why or how I can deal with this but for me, John Patrick will always remain my soul mate

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  3. honey says:

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It makes me wonder now, why? I don’t understand to have a love that seemed so amazing how this could happen? It is very confusing to me. I wish you the best,
    honey

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    • MCH says:

      I felt the gut-wrenching pain after reading your post.
      There is one heck of a strong woman under you. it’s difficult right now, you will be amazed at how far you have grown. And, when you meet the ex-bf again, I strongly believe you will look at him and wonder to yourself, “And I cried my eyes out for ???”.
      A day at a time, Cassandra. I hope you feel a little better now. MCH.

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      • I am not as strong as I thought. I am broken. Will I heal? I doubt in the way I should I will never be the same. There is no way to feel anything but sadness. I wouldn’t trade the wonderful time shared but for me, this part of my life is over. Feels much more like a death

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  4. Anonymous says:

    I am so, so sorry. The Dom of the universe will never let you go, if you will accept His offer to relate to Him for who He is and and from how He made you.

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    • My Dom was my world and you don’t just give yourself to anyone. I could never again. When he took my collar away he took away a huge part of my soul. There can never be another time. And so I suffer

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  5. Kim says:

    I have no words. I understand your pain and feel it so deeply. Hugs and best wishes to you and John Patrick. Grieve and allow yourself time. I DO know where you are right now and my tears are falling anew.

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    • There are no words, little i can say. He will always be the love of my life. I say things happen for a reason so we met for one. As I told him, I only hope one day we both learn why.

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      • MCH says:

        Cassandre, You are so incredibly kind.

        You say the most wonderful things about JP, I’ve got tears coming out of my eyes. However, it’s time you became kind to yourself. I wish I could do more for you, the pain in your heart is written all over your post. Damn, I’m no expert, only to say broken romances happen to nice people.
        Go out, get wild, (of course not to wild), and believe me, you will find a new Dom who will cherish and love you all over again. (Shit, I’d go find another Dom, Cassandre!).
        It’s difficult now, as you are mourning a death, n need to go through the 5 stages of grieve. I just want to give you a hug and rally support over to you. I know. I don’t even know you. One step at a time, girl. The man lost the most important tool in his kit, that’s for sure! hugs n kisses. MCH

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      • MCH I’m kind because I know the man inside and out. I’ve been the closest to him he’s ever had in his life. We finish each other’s sentences, find ourselves texting at the same time. That’s why this is so hard. We are perfect for each other. I may heal to some point but there is no way i’ll ever be able to have a D/s situation again. I doubt I’ll ever be able to write about it. He gave me the reason for the journey, the light that allowed me to be me – not the situation. I may even hope things change for a while because they could. This isn’t a fact that we don’t want to be together. This is simply a matter of his mind and resolve forcing him to do things he feels are right. I understand but if the concept of true love is to be believed, there may be another time for us. Until then I will remain empty and broken. There is little I can do.

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      • MCH says:

        That is very sad Cassandre. That is what he wants, then so be it. I pray you will find someone who will give you everything he gave you…but much more. MCH

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      • This isn’t an easy statement to make nor is it done flippantly. And yes of course I’m grieving unlike anything I’ve ever experience, but D/s isn’t about just deciding one day you’ll go out and find a man you can submit to. D/s is about complete trust, a connection stronger than any marriage. That’s what we had and it took me a hell of a long time to find that one man. Are there possibly others? Well of course, however the difference is I won’t allow myself to open up that way again. I simply can’t. Men are very difficult no matter how you try and work wight hem. They compartmentalize, refuse to talk, try and be the he-man in the vanilla way, yet refuse to open up. When you can find one who absolutely shares every aspic to this life, his fears and desires, things that others mind find “sick” as in what has been told to him – that’s very rare. once is a lifetime. There are few men like him in the world. I lost one because of my lack of patience 28 years ago. I lost him because he’s simply too good of a man to leave someone cold. I don’t think you get more than two chances in your life.

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      • MCH says:

        true, we get so few chances in life to find someone to share a life with. Men are difficult indeed. How are you doing now?

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      • I was told a similar story as mine with John Patrick and in truth gave me comfort from a woman who had to tell me. I believe true love survives anything BUT that you often have to make certain you really can commit. Men internalize and that’s a lot of the problem. they think they have to go this alone. Talking can give men perspective. I am doing barely okay. The time has been reflective but I can barely focus, eat or think straight. He and I have talked a bit and it’s almost normal at times. Just so…. no words for the writer.

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      • MCH says:

        Ah…it’s great that you are guys are on speaking terms with each other. Lovers can also be friends. A big hug to you girl…from me!

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      • Well you say that and he lied further forgetting to tell me he flew to Hawaii while he was texting me so… Little trust issue here

        Bethany Halle ….

        >

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      • MCH says:

        did you just find this out, when, how, you know the other person involved?

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      • well aware of the other person. The classic story and something happened that pulled him back but we were trying to remain friends. Instead of being honest he continued to text me over the holiday weekend even while he was flying to Hawaii. So… I simply wanted to remain friends given we spent every day of so many months together but his excuse – didn’t want to hurt me any longer. Right.

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      • MCH says:

        it never ceases to amaze me, how the people we love so damn dearly, can be so frigging cold, cruel n heartless to us.

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      • That was exactly what threw me so badly. Everything was utterly amazing and so real – yet I guess just a veiled fantasy. I know better. I’m far too old for kid’s games. Do I think he’s hurting? Yes. He would have gone on this way for a long time. Men can’t seem to face certain challenges. They put the tail between their legs and simply sink into themselves. Empty eyes told me the truth but he deserves to suffer as I have. Still, I’ll cherish the time as it was the very first I opened up totally. Not sure THAT will ever happen again.

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      • MCH says:

        fyi- I am on your side Cassandre.

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      • Thank you – seems a lot of people know this is pretty powerful indeed.

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