Grief. UGH. I look and feel like shit. No way around it. Grief can do many things to you as a person and my swollen face isn’t pretty today. As a writer? You go into VERY dark places. Perhaps that’s a taste of Karma, something I deserve. In truth, I do but Karma is still a bitch – hate her and all she stands for. The days have been long and bleak. I’m not here to moan completely, just let you know I will be okay and to tell you thank you. My writing is going to change. There is no way that I can be the same person or the same writer any longer. I’m broken, a shell yet there is spirit here. I honestly have no idea how except that a few things have to be said.
I refuse to allow something to stand without talking and opening up. I hope in some way you read my words and perhaps understand a little bit more about you, or your needs as you share intimacy with another person. The first message? Loving someone isn’t easy but when you can open up and share something so extraordinary as John Patrick and I have on so many levels, then the love is something you should do everything in your power to hold on to. You will indeed face strife and difficult times, but I can tell you that when you see the other person walk into room and all you can do is smile – well…
If you hunger to share something more, including certain levels of kink or domination – is there something wrong with you? Uh, hell no. You’ll see why I’m saying this in a minute. Yeah, if you know me well enough you realize I can get fired up about certain aspects and today, I’m moving into a an angry mode and no, John Patrick isn’t to blame. Certain concepts regarding D/s and people who don’t understand the lifestyle in any degree are. Hmmm…
A holiday has passed, one in which I spent the time very much alone. I’m not bitching or complaining in truth. I needed the time to reflect, to try and figure out not only what’s transpired the last few weeks with John Patrick but with my writing, profession, life etc. And no, there is no way I could have done anything worth while through a haze of alcohol and tears. Oddly enough, I ended up writing a novella in honor of John Patrick in less than a day. I’m sure he’d laugh. The piece is already over 22k and I have no idea if anyone will want to read, but I’m going to publish it one day because I just have to. What you will learn if you read the piece is that I’m not a very good person on several levels. I’m not. But true love is something that doesn’t happen very often and when it does you’ll do anything to grasp onto the amazing feeling, no matter what. Yes, against all odds. Sounding like one of those Hallmark movies, isn’t it? Well, the truth is – our love is quite a bit like that. Why is this statement important? You’ll see.
I really wanted to stop in and say thank you to all the wonderful people who sent me notes and warm thoughts, either here or on Facebook. I even had folks call me because of their concern. I can’t say how amazing your kind thoughts and words of wisdom made me feel. I’ve learned a few things about myself the last few days including the fact I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I think I can honestly say I’ve been playing at my life for pretty much all of it. What does that mean? That simply means that I had a picture of who I was in my head and I went down that path. I simply followed the trail like a lost soul following bread crumbs.
Then again I think we all do that to some degree. We are the people both society as well as our family makes us. We’re molded into accepting our lot in life, complacency to the highest degree. Sounds pretty normal, huh? Well, What I’ve realized – and obviously a whole bunch of years too late – is that following that trail of being who EVERYBODY else thinks we should be is damaging. I kept telling John Patrick these words of wisdom for months. He was trying to be (and still is) a man everyone else either thinks or demands that he be. He’s trying to do the right thing, be the good guy, not the “horrible” person a certain individual continues to tell him he is. GOD that infuriates me and the things I could do will happen on the pages of a murder novel. I know better of course because he allowed me to see all of him, all his fears and foibles, all his hopes and dreams. I do know. He couldn’t hide from me any part of him.
John Patrick is an amazing man and a few of my readers have tried to tell me to move on, that he’s not the great man I’ve purported him to be. That’s simply not the case. If you read and understand anything at all, this is the one aspect I one you to get clearly. He is AMAZING. The joy and the light he brought into my life is something that simply can’t be repeated. There is no way.
Both he and I happened really in a sense by accident. Yes, we moved into a relationship by choice. We’re adults. Yes, perhaps we should have pushed away from each other but honestly? When you find a love of the ages you can’t. You roll head first into the light of love and joy and that’s exactly what happened to us. The D/s? Well, that was just icing on the cake and why do I say this? Because someone is trying to make him believe that he’s sick, a freak and a sex addict. That bothers me to levels I can’t even begin to explain.
While my muse and joy might be destroyed at this minute, I do have enough verve and drive in me to make certain you hear me very clearly as readers and as people who’ve enjoyed our love story. HE IS NOT SICK, nor is he some sex addict. That’s just ridiculous. I want to make certain that if you’re considering entering a D/s, M/s or DD lifestyle you get – the need to have this is in your life has zero to do with sex. Yes, are there elements? Of course there are as with any relationship you have, but that’s not what fueled my desire to be devoted to him. My desire was and is based on the man himself.
You’ve read many a time that you have to share everything before you can commit or submit in any way and that’s so very true. What he and I shared that allowed me to submit to him was the way he treated me, the love he showed me with every day, the passion of being with him, and our talks. Passion. Let’s talk passion for a minute. If the passion in your relationship – whether vanilla or otherwise – has mostly to do with sex or kink, then it ain’t gonna last. Period. What you have to have in order to stand the test of time are things in common and things you WANT AND MUST share together. You know what I’m talking about.
When you can talk about anything, share the same taste in food and wine, movies and music, nature and animals – then you can build something incredible together. The sex, the kink, the D/s, the spanking – just icing. John Patrick told me one day that is we never shared another day of D/s, that would be all right with him. In truth? I feel the same. While I am a submissive at heart, just being with him, sharing and creating memories are what I need as a woman. That’s why I’m so freaking angry that there are those who so don’t understand the lifestyle and can say something so ridiculous about a sex addiction. Sex and D/s are just a portion of the bliss shared. Let me say this to you again – if you’re looking to enter into this lifestyle, you’re going to be amazed at how your eyes will open to the joys of sharing in ways you never thought could happen.
BUT – this is just a portion. You have to pay bills so you work. You have family and friends who won’t understand but that shouldn’t matter. You live and go to Thanksgiving dinner and buy presents just like any other person. You hold dinner parties and birthdays, you laugh and cry. You worry and fear for the unknown. You are just like anyone else. You simply chose to live your life in D/s relationship – something I hoped for and still do. I can’t let what John Patrick and I have just die even though hope is just that – hope. I know he loves me. I can see how he’s trying to find his way out of the darkness. I honestly don’t have any idea if he can – or if I can for that matter.
What I do know through these last horrible days is that I love him and no, I simply can’t move on to another Dom or another man for that matter. While others have told me I can find another Dom to light up my life, D/s just like with any relationship doesn’t work that way. You don’t just determine to “find” someone. You don’t decide to move into D/s and all the great stuff happens. Nope. You have to trust implicitly. You have to open yourself up to the other person in ways you never have before. You must embrace all the dark and light sides of you in order to give the other person what they need the most. BUT – you also have to find love – in my opinion. Without love, D/s just isn’t anything but an activity.
It’s the holidays and as I think about what they mean, I realize that love is really what indeed does make the world go around. The love I feel for John Patrick is all encompassing and on several levels. There is no right or wrong, to perfect. There is just an attachment that can’t be denied, a connection unlike anything he and I have never felt. What I wish for perhaps I can’t have right now, but I’ll be here, holding the candle of light and a belief that true love can stand the test of everything – including bullshit. Grasp onto the one you love and never become complacent, but if you do – it’s time to move on. Good advice eh? Well, a shame we can’t follow our dreams. Isn’t it?
PS – I’m pretty certain Cass is done – she’s written about every sexual concept, every intimate moment I know or ever want to know. I may be turning to DH Black, my male persona, and his terrifying serial killing. He’s good at that and that’s the darkness I feel. Cass isn’t selling for some reason and maybe because people don’t care any longer about opening up and sharing kink and intimacy. Then again, what did I write in this blog? Guess I better take my own advice. The books will stay up, perhaps certain commitments finished, but Cass as a joyful writer is gone. As as I told John Patrick – “til me meet again” so never say never. I’ll share some books and thoughts, but not he same as before.