Silence + D/s = Torture

I think everyone who’s read my blog knows what I’ve been going through so I’m not belaboring the point. While the healing process has been stalled for now, I’m not quite as much of a hot mess. As the majority of you probably have realized, the vanilla girl is quite assertive/aggressive. I don’t handle not being in control of ANYTHING very well. I think that’s why the breakdown was so complete. After days of reflection, I realized that utter and complete silence has almost everything to do with why I feel so broken. To date I don’t have all the facts and for a willful chick like me – well that is becoming My Soulunacceptable. I know John Patrick has reasons for why he’s not filling in the final pieces of the puzzle, but those reasons are beginning to become strangling. One can’t heal without all the information.

The reflection I’ve been doing has changed me as a woman as well as the concept of my being a submissive. I truly don’t believe I’ll ever be able to trust to that level again – but you know the saying, ‘never say never’, and I have a feeling this journey isn’t over completely. That being said, I’ve had some wonderful comments from readers and one said her Master had given her a full week of silence recently – which was torture to her. I can imagine. Granted, he did speak with her again, lifting the method of punishment, but that didn’t mean her week wasn’t full of anguish.

Within D/s, DD, and M/s relationships, there are various methods of discipline used. For many, discipline and punishment are entirely different. Discipline is seen as a continuous, albeit mild form of keeping the chain of command. Pure punishment is about serious infractions of the imposed rules. Everything from spankings, corner or cage time, and the loss of privileges is used. Silence and being left completely alone are two other methods. For women, this is utter blinding torture. You really don’t know how much anguish this can create until you go through any length of time not hearing from your Dom or Master.

While vanilla relationships – especially those long term – both parties might REALLY enjoy a lot of time alone, D/s etc require contact. I say require because you’ve read my blogs as I speak on open and complete communication. I don’t care of you’re in a long distance D/s situation, you find a way to communicate every day. The core base of these relationships is built on the deep and very intense connection. Dom’s need to reach out to their submissives, if for no other reason that to keep the tether that he is in charge. The submissive thrives on the contact, the touches, his voice, the words said and yes, often times his firm command as well as discipline. That’s just the way D/s works. There is no stronger connection.

That’s why the silence with John Patrick and I was crushing. I had no idea why I couldn’t stop crying or feeling so lost. My personality doesn’t accept feeling so empty, so pushed into a corner. Never have. I’m not certain I ever will again. The aftereffects are damning. I feel sick still from the weeks of tears. I honestly didn’t embrace the full understanding of why or the difference until the past few days. The loss of friend, lover, and Dom was just a triple blow. Not only am I missing his playfulness and our long talks, but the basic commands and structure we’d established I’d truly begun to move into, accepting and savoring my role as HIS submissive, not just one in general. Yes, there is a difference.

I’ve talked with slaves who are completely dumbfounded and at a loss of how to function with silence is used as a punishment. You’re already aware there is a distinct difference between submissive and slave. For a submissive, her basic life remains intact. She’s likely to control her basic everyday functions with her career etc. and submit to her Dom with other aspects of her life. For slaves, they rely solely on the commands and direction of their Master. If silence is used for a The first timesubmissive, she still goes about her day-to-day activities while suffering during the rest of her time. Slaves have no idea how to think, what to expect or even when and what she should do with regard to anything she does. Can you imagine not knowing how you should dress or what food to eat because her Master hasn’t told you? The slave has programmed herself to following his directions. The lack of information here is totally crushing.

For submissives, such as myself, you fall into the rabbit hole given the lack of information, but you still have to work, eat, pay bills etc. is one more difficult than the other? Honestly, I think we’re talking basic degrees of pain, but the reality of both is horrible. You feel so lost in your own thoughts and for women, we follow a path of darkness, anticipating and thinking the worst about the situation as well as ourselves. We spiral down quickly until we’re left hollow and broken. Trying to plod through every day becomes more and more difficult until you question everything about your relationship, his love and devotion, your own needs and life in general. Not a good place to be in.

Women are vastly different in men in how they process, but men suffer in ways they can’t express and so the silence is something they need. They have to be completely alone in order to come to terms with whatever is going on. Every situation isn’t terrible, but within all of us we have a plateau we simply can’t cross without time, thought providing ideas, worries and fears, and a hefty dose of ‘what the fuck are we doing’. When the Dom or Master feels the rather heady responsibility of being in charge of their sub or slave, the situation can quickly turn into something much bigger than it truly is.

Do I think that’s what happened with John Patrick? You bet. A darkness that has always been in his soul rushed to the surface, crushing the very tenuous hold he had bridging his basic reality versus the D/s lifestyle we’d truly begun to settle into. He had to make a choice without talking with me and so his only method of coping was shutting me out. The concept continues. Knowing my tenacious personality, I’ll find out one way or the other that last truth, that final piece that may – and I say may – allow me to heal and move on. Until then the wonder and fear will always be there.

I think for anyone who is in or considering entering into this kind of relationship you truly have to understand the tightly woven connection, both spiritually as well as mentally and emotionally. There is no way to describe adequately how difficult life can be without the other part of your soul giving you encouragement and nurturing. Within training a submissive, the Dom asks her to trust in his judgment, his needs. The responsibility is huge and much bigger than vanilla The Keycouples can comprehend.

Marriage is the coupling of two lives into one. D/s is the embracing of two souls into one. There is a huge difference. At least in my mind there is. I think that’s why when I see people ‘playing’ at this kind of relationship I cringe, much more than I used to. Why? I see the cause and effect in a way I hoped I never would. Are there challenges in any relationship? Of course, but this is something that threw me for a loop and I know with other submissives, they aren’t programmed to know what to do. When the punishment of silence occurs, they have no idea how to think or what to say.

Women take these things very seriously and don’t recover well. We believe the worst in ourselves and the scenario becomes much larger than life. How do you deal with this? I can’t tell you in truth today. I know with John Patrick, he knew in his heart I’d walk over hot coals, would fight any level of anger or discrimination, would protect him with any and every vanilla situation without a second thought. The one thing he knew would push me away was silence. Did he realize the spiral down effect? I don’t think so at all and neither did I realize how his darkness would crush the man as well as his passionate spirit. Now I do.

If you’re in this kind of relationship, I caution you about using silence as a form of punishment. This could be relationship changing in a way you didn’t anticipate. Could this make John Patrick and I stronger IF we ever decide to try this again? Perhaps, but the basics of trust have been pulled apart to the fraying point and I’m not so certain I’d be the same woman again. Time will tell. Think about what you have together, your journey, and remember, communication is the key – not silence.

After all, silence is deafening.



About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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6 Responses to Silence + D/s = Torture

  1. Laurel Lasky says:

    It sounds like you are getting a little stronger each day. I just bought 2 of your stories. You are getting to the light in the tunnel. Biggest hugs. 😀


  2. Laurel Lasky says:

    Twisted Christmas and a spanking book. I forgot the name. 😍😉


  3. Sandy says:

    The silent treatment is one of my triggers, so much that I actually list it with my hard limits. It will tear me apart.

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.


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