In my previous blog I mentioned the concept there is a huge difference in being a submissive versus a slave. I’ve written about this before but in truth, I had no clue until truly delving into the lifestyle myself. I’m no expert of course so don’t take what I say as gospel. While certain aspects regarding obedience are very similar, the rest is vastly off kilter. Being devoted to a Dom can be all encompassing and certainly opened my life and mind to aspects of life that gave me utter pleasure as well as peace. If you’re in a very vanilla relationship and don’t read anything about alternative lifestyles, you’re going to ask me – ‘what in the hell are you doing, girl? Succumbing to a man – are you nuts?’ Laugh with me. Strong women aren’t supposed to submit, right?
Now, many of you might think you understand the subtle yet complex shift from submissive to slave, but honestly, you have no idea. In the last blog, I wrote a little bit about the slave who’d been instructed to find a third for her Master. I talked with her first and in truth, she was very candid but guarded by choice as well as instruction of her Master. After a few months of emails on FetLife every once in awhile, she finally trusted me enough to tell me her story. She’d been ‘born and raised’ to be a slave. Of course my mind went to pretty much every movie regarding slaves being sold at auction. This wasn’t her life, but I have to tell you, the story she told me made me cringe more than anything. Her mother was a slave, her grandmother and as soon as she was born she was taught she was nothing better than a slave. Her father used or in our worlds abused her as soon as she was old enough.
For all of us Western women who’ve had equality all our lives, the concept is not only foreign but also wretched in any way, shape or form. Right? Well, I’ve heard of many instances where this occurs. She was ‘sold’ to her husband who beat her, made her gain weight and kept her shackled to a bed. The gaining weight was so that no other man wanted her. When she was able to get away – seeking a plain ole regular divorce with her son – she was grateful for the help the Master I knew gave to her. Who the hell wouldn’t be? So this Master – and we’ll call him Master Bob for the sake of the blog – was like a man in shiny armor on a white horse in comparison. That’s why she didn’t mind being told IF she could pee or IF she could eat. I guess comparing apples to oranges…
While I certainly didn’t try and disparage what was going on with Master Bob, I tried to help her understand this had to be her choice, not something forced on her. She did (and still does today) seem to understand this. What always struck me as odd about the relationship is that Master Bob didn’t seem to feel like he had any real responsibility for her. She was on her own basically until he came-a-calling. Now, given John Patrick was completely the opposite, feeling like part of his duty was to take care of me, I have a tough time here. This girl has no real education, no way of making money, has an autistic son and has been abused pretty much her entire life. Let me think here… Take care of her you asshole. But THAT’S just my opinion.
I realize I don’t understand but so much of the lifestyle, but the way he treated her in so many ways was just wrong. Granted, Master Bob told me that she wasn’t a pain monger and he’d never do to her what he desired to do to me with his sadistic methods. I think he believes today I’m a tough broad, that I can handle anything. For those of you who don’t know – a pain monger is someone who TOTALLY gets off on pain.
After being with John Patrick, after his nurturing and training, I can say pain is thrilling TO A POINT. Still, this has to be measured and a huge amount of trust must be in place. However, there is no way I’d accept anyone telling me when I can go to the bathroom. Again, I realize there are M/s relationships that are more tempered than this extreme story I’m telling you. Of course there is. I listened to this girl and we developed a friendship of sorts. She was very honest and open, like a flower needing water and Miracle Grow, but Master Bob wasn’t necessarily into training to help her grow – not that I could see. Her story is one of extreme.
Another story is based on a very strong and intellectual woman John Patrick met and talked with on several occasions. Yes, I knew all about this and encouraged him to talk with her. Not only is she a partner in a publishing firm, but she has a very strong willed presence in her vanilla life. However, she told him right up front she is a slave with a slave mentality. She wants nothing more than to serve a man totally and completely, no matter what he asks. She spent a good deal of time talking with him about how she was brought up in a strict family, her father using spankings as a method of discipline. She completely adopted early on that women were not to be in charge of the household and she not only accepted but also embraced this role.
What I can tell you is that while she considers herself a slave, she will always have her professional life. That’s just a part of the equation period. She doesn’t necessarily believe that she has to be in love with her Master. To her it’s an honor serving his every wish. John Patrick came away with that questioning my thoughts of the differences in being a submissive versus a slave.
He and I talked quite a bit and very quickly we both realized I’m not a slave. That’s just not in my makeup. I was and long to be devoted – and we all know to John Patrick – but there isn’t any way I could give up my identity and accept a slave position. The woman JP talked to truly brought the concept into an intelligent perspective for me. Her previous field was in mental health and every day not only brought on new challenges, but totally drained her psyche. She craved and truly needed being able to completely let go, think of nothing but serving and pleasing her Master. She stated she felt that’s one reason she didn’t burn out so quickly.
I had to think about that. I have the kind of job where there’s a hell of a lot of stress and I make NO ONE happy. In community association management, you listen to a hell of a lot of bitching. People are never happy.
Often times I work two or three nights with meetings with people that scream at you over simple things. I can see what she’s talking about. In fact, when I was focused on John Patrick and serving him in whatever manner, I was at peace. What peace are we talking about? Everything from lighting his cigarette to serving him wine, making dinner with him and enjoying time talking, massaging his body and yes, of course giving him sexual pleasure whenever and however. Now, if you ask me – a lot of this sounds pretty vanilla. I think that’s where, at least for me as well as for John Patrick, the difference lies. We shared a vanilla aspect. We also shared love, real romantic and very passionate love. For a slave, they don’t have time sharing wine and conversation, shopping and laughing with friends. The little gifts of this are so infrequent at times they don’t know what to expect.
In learning that I’m submissive, there are varying degrees in this as well. Of course John Patrick and I were in a sense long distance, which created some difficulties in how I’d ‘serve’ him, but we certainly had certain behaviors I followed. As I’ve written about in many a blog, this was challenging. We were trying to figure out methods and levels of obedience, What I can tell you is that he not only appreciated but required for both of us that I remain very much me. He didn’t want a ‘doormat’ as the phrase is often used. He was thrilled I had engaged in lively conversations and even push him with regards to various aspects of his life. For a slave, I don’t believe the Master necessarily wants or needs this. They want to be able to tell the slave what they need to have happen or how the slave needs to perform or serve. Serving with both the submissive as well as the slave does mean certain basics, but every relationship is different. Therein lies the word I think is truly the difference – relationship.
John Patrick and I shared a full relationship, sharing worries and fears, joys and tears. Does this happen in a M/s lifestyle? I honestly don’t think so – at least not to the degree we shared. The difference can be subtle, but they exist. I do believe that you know innately whether you’re a submissive or a slave. This isn’t about conditioning or training as much as what’s in the core of your soul. For me…I remain willful.
I hope you’ve enjoyed just my perspective.
Kisses and spanks…
PS – for all of you who have been a part of my life with John Patrick – we are indeed forging a friendship. We shall see….