Dominant or submissive…Will This Be With You Forever?

Do you consider yourself dominant or more submissive in every aspect of your life? Think about the first time you really understood various personality traits you pushed out – determined to show those around you. Stop for a minute and think about your entire being – all the good and bad points. What drives you? What thrills you? What do you have to have in your life?

We all know who we are inside, although so many of us hide our real selves from bigstock-Sexy-And-Erotic-Woman-Relaxed--42766252everyone – including our inner beings. We lie to achieve some goals set out by our family, our mentors, our teachers, our careers and eventually by the ugly little voice swimming deep inside our brains. Do you think once you embrace either being a Dominant or a submissive you’re always going to identify with the choice closely? Do you think you can flip back and forth from vanilla to D/s as necessary depending on what’s happening in your life?

During the last year or so, as I’ve been delving deeper into learning about and writing about D/s relationships, I’ve honestly questioned how long the notion was buried within me. Now, don’t get me wrong, when you’re very young, you have no way of understanding the concept of a power-exchange relationship. However, your dominant/aggressive or submissive/timid attributes are certainly apparent in the youngest of children. The traits don’t always mean you’re going to grow up one way or the other. I was a very timid and quiet child. I moved into the wild girl stage, lost it again after getting married then found myself a few years ago. I’m certainly a hybrid of every faction.

However, early on I knew that ME being the more assertive or dominant side in a relationship wasn’t working. I think that’s when for my personally I shrunk a little bit into myself, becoming more complacent – which isn’t my personality. Discovering and talking to others living in a D/s lifestyle truly opened my eyes and of course ultimately led me to my own self-realization. I am a true submissive with regard to a relationship. That we know. Do you think I can now live another way? Well, that’s a very tough question. The answer is even more difficult.

In my many talks with John Patrick, of course he realized late in life his need for domination and control was exactly what he’d been missing. You’ve read this before – the moment he embraced things weren’t working in his life was after a near death experience a couple of years ago. During his months of recovery, he was forced to face the man inside – one craving a dominant position in a relationship. Of course that isn’t something that can happen overnight. Also, for the majority of us, that isn’t going to happen with our Allow Himcurrent relationship either. You became involved with someone in a strictly vanilla way because of the person YOU thought you were. If you’ve gone through years of being this person, you can imagine how startling it would be to suddenly switch. Even personally, let alone having a couple going through the various changes, adapting to a brand new set of needs can be daunting. Sometimes you can spiral downward into a darkened state or become euphoric with the complete understanding.

John Patrick and I realized early on that going from vanilla to D/s can be more than just daunting – for both roles. I had trouble flipping a switch and trying to squelch my willful side and he had some difficulty expressing his needs. While a few rules were developed of course, just jumping in with both feet is tough to do. We’ve had many a conversation about this very issue. Did we find the perfect bridge from one to the other? Well, no. For me the necklace symbolizing a collar did indeed bring me closer to him. Even if you haven’t gone through a formal collaring ceremony, I think the symbolization is wonderful, something to be considered. For a Dom, little acts that can be performed both while you’re together and even apart – such as sending him a picture or a particular morning greeting every day. This brings you both closer together. Little acts definitely did for John Patrick and I. That enabled us to grow more, trust more and in truth, let go.

What if you’re faced with having exactly what you want, even for a short period of time then have the door suddenly shut? Do you think that’s something you could tolerate or would your system go into some kind of a shut down? I think that’s something few have explored. They fortunately haven’t had to. For many in the lifestyle, there are symbols just like with any vanilla relationship. From collars and leashes, certain jewelry, tattoos and various BDSM implements, many couples have a hefty bag, closet or simple drawer to house their collection. Do you think that merely putting them in a locked box, out of sight and out of mind, is going to stymy your desires? Not a chance. You learn to crave as the moments of sharing are forever imprinted on the front of your brain. There is no way you can completely deny what is your true self.

John Patrick had told me on more than one occasion that if I didn’t want to forever live the lifestyle that he’d be okay with my request and our subsequent decision. Honestly, I’ve been reflecting on this quite a bit recently. While of course it’s possible to live a completely vanilla lifestyle and be happy, I honestly believe that when you’ve accepted who you really are and have moved into a D/s, M/s or DD lifestyle –I don’t think you’ll ever be happy without having some aspect in your life. You just can’t. I know for both of us we felt incomplete. We were missing a very part of our souls with zero clue what to do about the ugly emptiness. Being so open and honest, giving and sharing this love of something few understand has been breathtaking.

I’ve told you before, so many who live in vanilla life fail to understand the power or deep intensity of this kind of relationship.

I’m not suggesting you just go out there and find a warm body either. That’s not how D/s works. If you’re lucky enough to find not only passion and true love but the same needs in all things – including your vanilla life – grab on to it and hold tight. Go with the ride and enjoy every moment. If you’ve lost this portion of you, you’re going to suffer. That’s the bottom line. You can’t replace one with another with the snap of your fingers. You can certainly share play time with an acquaintance and enjoy being spanked or flogged – even in front of other people. Hell, he and I have talked about experiencing this many times before. Perhaps you can get what you need from this limited experience, but honestly, I my lustthink for many this isn’t going to suffice. The intimacy shared is so intense that you crave and desire more, finally getting to the point you have to have the contact, the deep connection. Even the fact you have ongoing training matters all the way around. Each couple is different so replacing one with the other is good.

John Patrick and I developed in a sense together.

The journey is so amazing and so very personal that my honest opinion is – once you find and embrace the joy and the absolute peace at being who you are, you’ll never feel satisfied again. Tell me your experiences. I’d love to hear.

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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