Well, many of you are very aware I went though something in November that just about crushed the woman as well as the writer, let alone the submissive who in truth found an amazing Dom. You’ve heard to talk about how amazing and very special a D/s relationship truly is. Being so open and honest, so uninhibited and trusting is very powerful. The journey isn’t perfect for anyone, but when you’re truly committed to one another in every way, every step is powerful, special, amazing and loving.
That’s exactly what I found with a man I call John Patrick on this blog. That of course isn’t his real name, but early on my fabulous readers figured out he’s a very real man. He came into my unexpectedly and if you read a book that’s just getting ready to come out, not in the best manner. I’ll never condone certain behaviors, but for he and I, we were looking for a soul mate after years of living nothing but a complacent life. What we found is astonishing.
I’ve always said things happen for a reason and the heart wants what it wants. That’s what happened to JP and I. When I wrote the piece I was in tears for days and the book – over 24k came out in a flash. I had to get out how I feel about him. The story will drag you into your personal hell, perhaps change the way you view me, but I’ve always been real with my readers. The story needs to be told. The ending was then – there is a now as he and I are friends, close.
You can’t push away something that is so strong. You can’t break a love that I call of the ages. So I hope you enjoy and thank you to Bitten Press for your kindness, your editing and support and for the love you’ve shown me during a dark time. Thankfully there is light, but the angst will always remain. I hope you enjoy…
SUFFERING IN SILENCE…ON SAYING GOODBYE
And so you’re gone out of my life and I’m suffering…
WEDNEDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING
Some people say I’m very strong. Today I am empty, devoid of anything but pain. Still, my love burns like a beacon from above. I want nothing more than to reach out and touch you, tell you how much I love and support you. I know this is a horrific time for both of us and I can’t stop crying or talking to you out loud. I hope you hear what I think are powerful words.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this, as you’ll never see or read, my dearest love. There is no way you can. You simply shut down given you can’t gather any control of your feelings and fears. You’re so far removed from who you are that you can’t see any light. I get the need to shut out everything to a point, but my suffering is just beginning in earnest. I sent you a couple of emails hoping you’ll read but I’m terrified the little tethering we have left you’ve remove just simply because you can’t stand hearing about my pain. Still, I have to get this out. I love you more today than I have before. You seem to have no strength, no way of finding any light and I’m so worried.
It’s snowing and I had to come home early from work because I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t take the prying eyes and questions about why I’m so down. I look in the mirror and I see the broken woman and I hate the ugly reflection. When you rolled up in the lot the other day before you saw me, I could see how broken you are. You’ve aged a full five years and the pain on your face as well as in every body expression is telling. I’m the same. I’m nothing right now. Broken. Dead. All the wonderful comments from people who don’t know me have been so heartfelt. And they’ve made me cry more.
I know I told you I’m strong but I have nothing left. I can’t write, don’t have any verve and there is no happiness left in me. All I can think about is our thousands of conversations, the way you looked at me every time you saw me and the expression you had when I came to see you. They are priceless to me and I have to wonder if I’ll ever forget your face. You have no idea what your texts over these beautiful months have meant. There is no way to describe the excitement, the bliss I felt every time the little ‘blipping’ noise when you texted made me feel.
The day you stopped I think I knew. You were already trying to forget about me. When you couldn’t say ‘baby’ or ‘love’ any longer my heart slowly began to break. I knew you’d placed me in one of your compartments because you couldn’t handle my pain or yours. Still, thinking you no longer cared was so intense, so painful that I couldn’t stop crying. The limbo I thought was worse, but I had hope. Today I have none. How you can push aside what we’ve shared is beyond me. I understand what you told me about trying with her, seeing if, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
I know no one has perfect, but what we shared was so close. We have everything in common and you have nothing with Susan. The worst part of this is you honestly believe you’re some sex addict, sick in the ways she tells you because she doesn’t understand. What we have has little to do with sex. We have a rare connection. We have something special. And so I weep.
Maybe one day I’ll do something with this, perhaps. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to send this to you and you’ll have the courage to read, but I have my doubts. You’ve shut down. You’re a shell, just as I am. And why? Lies. You lived your life a lie like I did mine, either not believing we could or should be ourselves with anyone, especially our inner being. We found that together we could be – complete. Your honesty and trust, respect and love have helped me grow as a woman. The connection broken is worse than death.
You’re still there. You’re breathing and suffering like I am and you have no way of expressing that darkness that has dragged you into hell. Because you loved me you feel like you failed. For me the way we were told me that I’d been so wrong all my life. Now it’s gone. There is no way I can trust again, love this way again and so I’m shutting down that portion of me. There is no reason to try and there will never be another D/s relationship in my life, if any period. This is just a simple fact.
When you removed my beautiful collar I was crushed. I have no idea if you’ll throw away or keep and pine away some day in your life. Either way I keep reaching for the gorgeous silver piece, stroking my neck. I was so proud to wear my silver chain. The moment and the gift wasn’t a formal collaring, I know that, but the gesture was special. Wearing the piece was showing you and even others how devoted I was and still am to you. I don’t know how to express my sadness, my despair. The snow falls and so do my tears. They’ve been uncontrollable. I’m alone and so lonely right now I could curl up and die. My spirit is no more.
Everything reminds me of you. I found the little card you gave me with my beautiful flowers for my birthday and along with seeing the vase and the dried flower I saved, too much to bear today. When I left the office, I ended up going past the Mexican restaurant we went to a few times and memories rushed into me. And so I cried. I can remember every text, every touching moment we shared from falling asleep in your arms to experiencing new wines together. I kept thinking about cooking with you and laughing about anything and nothing. Your eyes lit up every time I cooked for you. Now there is no more.
Food I can’t eat, wine I can’t drink and sleeping only fills me with visions and so I don’t sleep. I keep thinking I deserve this given things that have happened in the past. I don’t know what to think or how to deal with the demons. What I do know is that what we’ve shared has been real and the love amazing. How can you go from telling me you love me so to nothing? I don’t know. I kept talking to you, hoping my love would be a hand reaching out. If only you’d grabbed a hold I feel like I could have saved us. Perhaps I’m a fool after all. I just don’t know.
All the people you’ve reached out on the blog and on Facebook tell me how strong I am and that everything will be okay. As I sit today, nothing will ever be okay again. How can I go on, knowing you were the best thing that ever happened in my life? How can I go on when you are right there, your agony as evident as mine? There is no rulebook for this and grieving is torture. You didn’t die. You’re right there. I need you so much. I love you so much.
I guess I’m like a girl in that I keep reading over texts, pouring over your words. Even when Susan tried so hard to disparage you to me, telling me you had others and that you were so horrible, I knew better. Love isn’t easy but two people who find love late in life are very special indeed. You tend to stay in a zone, being comfortable with your surroundings, so very afraid to break the norm. I get that and know what you’re trying to do, but I still have hope. Again, no doubt I’m a fool. I only hope that our love will shine through the darkness. We didn’t set out to hurt anyone, but given the state of our relationship, that’s exactly what was bound to happen.
She doesn’t want you as much as she wants the normal – just the everyday life we’ve all become accustomed to. We all do. Takes a tremendous amount of courage to move on. I never said either our love or the future was going to be easy. We are not a fantasy. We are two people who accidentally met and while you say for all the wrong reasons, the ending joy has been worth everything. Would I change the last months? No, other than making certain you knew how deep my love truly is. What I heard from you is that you’re broken and I keep thinking about why. In truth, we all are to a degree but the way you said the words, the meaning behind them pisses me off.
Susan made you believe something about yourself you aren’t. Sex addict? Right. I could become a nasty, vengeful person for that crap she’s pushed on you and maybe one day I will. She has no clue yet wants you to suffer. You have to love women – not.
I listened to the John Legend song so many times and sent it to you hoping you’d remember the very night I emailed the song to you. Remember when you said you cried? I knew at that moment, that very clear moment how deeply I’d fallen in love. You did as well and yet I wanted you to tell me first, which you did. From then on our trust and bonding was solidified. You told me you’re going to tell her who you are, open up. Given she’s called you a horrible and sick man, I just wonder how she’s going to hurt you further.
Sitting here writing to you is okay in a way, maybe cathartic. I don’t know. I kept talking to you yesterday, as if you’d hear me. I honestly think you do. Our connection is that strong. We finished each other’s sentences. We texted at the same time out of the blue. I don’t know how you squelch that. Not at all.
As I write the memories are so vivid. Every dinner, every stolen moment in our Chinese restaurant, buying you boots. The first time I noticed that you were growing a beard. That day, that amazing day the lust in your eyes was so strong, but there was so much more. Your love for me burns in everything you’ve ever said, every intense look. Becoming John Patrick was a gift and everyone who read about our journey could tell how all encompassing our love was and still is. Of that there is no doubt. We were honest with my readers, telling them about our highs and lows. We shared intimate details that seemed to resonate with so many.
Now it’s gone. I had to do a blog telling people in a way what happened and those words were the most horrific I’ve ever written. How do you tell thousands of readers a love story of the ages is broken? Tears others shed for us have been breath stealing. I just can’t write any longer and will never with D/s again. This isn’t like picking up and moving on from an affair. As you mentioned, if our relationship had been about sex then we wouldn’t be in so much anguish. We are so much more. Yet you believe you’re sick in another way. That fight I can’t seem to grasp, have no idea how to help you believe otherwise. Maybe time? I don’t know any longer. And so I cry.
When I curled up in your arms one night in your tee-shirt, finally falling asleep, the peace I felt was incredible. Just having your arms around me reminded me I was safe, that you’d care for me through everything, yet my friend wasn’t there when I needed him. He allowed me to suffer without any knowledge and yes, for that alone I’m very angry about, hurt beyond words. No matter of figuring out why matters. You forgot I was right there in your pocket. You forgot you told me you took D/s seriously in that you, as my Dom, meant you were to protect me, no matter what happened. You forgot.
And so I cry.
Love, Honor, Trust, Patience, Understanding…Love
These are paramount to a D/s lifestyle. These are vital to any relationship. Love can be unrequited, exceptional, amazing, stilling and intense. Love can also bring heightened levels of utter sadness. Join in one woman’s journey, a true story of a love of the ages and a loss so significant, suffering is done in silence. On these pages you’ll garner a taste of one of the most powerful lifestyles, while understanding losing something so precious is life altering.
This is a tale of learning about an inner strength, one wrapping around incredible passion. Yet the end is bitter sweet. Can their love find a way back?
Releasing January 21st.
Kisses and spanks…