As you might imagine, I’m very reflective today. The novella I wrote about my love and times of sorrow with John Patrick is coming out in a few hours. Suffering in Silence…On Saying Goodbye is very telling. The realization of what has happened gives me memories, wishes, fulfilled and unfulfilled fantasies and other rather dark thoughts filtering through my brain. I’ve been very restless over the past couple of months for good reason. Sorrow and pain are as all encompassing as heightened love and pleasure certainly are. There is no way around sadness other than to drive head long into the foray – at least for me.
I’ve had to edit this amazing book, one I honestly didn’t think was going to be published, and I debated whether or not I should share my tale to the world for quite a while. The truth is, there is much to be said as well as learned from my experience. As I sit here today, I’m going to tell you that the experience will always be the best I’ve ever had, both in realizing I’m a submissive, but more importantly because of what I share with John Patrick. Nothing is perfect, no relationship of any person. I’ll never expect to find utter perfection, but what I did find? Magical. However, the grass is always greener and that’s something to keep in mind. My time of reflection reminded me of this little detail. No, John Patrick isn’t a perfect man, nor is he as a Dom, any more than I am a woman or submissive. Still, what we found can only be described as incredible. Breathtaking.
What I did have to come to terms with is that my life is slowly ebbing away. I always longed for pretty much what every girl does – the kind of relationship books are written about. I’m not certain they exist, but during moments of quiet times, those when I had to face the good and the ugly, I embraced what I need. I suppose I knew a long time ago, but as with so many others, we fight ourselves for every inch gained in this life. We strive to achieve what we think is right or best for us. Often times we have zero idea. We go along with the masses with regard to our careers, our friends and certainly our love life. We accept after a while, hoping we can be happy. When we find we’re just going through the day-to-day drudgery, we look outside the box, searching.
What we often find is terrifying, especially if we’re true to ourselves. Admitting our needs, what we absolutely must have, is without a doubt the toughest task we’ll ever face. Honestly? Most of us simply aren’t able to garner the courage to take a step toward achieving, let alone a leap of faith. We move on, one day turning into three weeks, a few months, and suddenly five years have passed. This process is very much the norm so as you look at your life, don’t cringe too much. Just know we’re all in this together. What I had to face was that the woman inside was floundering, searching in ways she had no control of, no way of breaking free from her chains.
I love control. I need routine. I have to have my say in most things. My voice is the way I deal with all the wretched aspects of a profession I loathe and a woman I no longer know. I can tell you without reservation, this is painful. The aspects of my life stab me in the gut as well as the heart. What can you do when you finally grasp all the dreams you aspired to simply can’t come true? You move on. For some of us that means another few years of being who everyone thinks we are. For the lucky few, we finally say ‘enough is enough’. Then what?
John Patrick came along, a man very much unexpected and I saw a new light, mostly within myself. During the first few months of our relationship, I opened like a flower, eager to experience new things, indulge in new tastes. Yes, some of these hungers were very vanilla. Others were as dark as they come. Sharing a combined need for D/s has truly opened my eyes.
For many, searching for methods in which you can become younger, more viable to everyone around you, your ideal life is placed very high on a pedestal. Often, the increased needs result in bad behavior. Then again, we all have things about our past or present we really don’t want anyone else to know about. For some, this is called a mid-life crises. For others, the ray of life beaming down on us is frightening, invigorating and generally pushed away. Not this time. Not this girl.
There are walls we all place around us, security blankets designed to keep us safe, but from whom? Others who want to hurt us? Maybe. Then again, what if our discomfort, a burning need, is all about our inner voice, the one prodding and pushing every step? My inner voice laughed at me for years, yet the walls remained. The woman inside cried out, searching for acceptance and being extremely assertive/aggressive in all manners. Well, she wasn’t working.
John Patrick didn’t give me the gift of acceptance, but he did give me the honor of trust, respect. What an extraordinary man to be able to open up this closed off flower, right? Truly, he is.
He has barriers, ones he fights today. He worries about who people will react to him, to us, and to what has happened. I can’t take away his pain. I can only remind him – ‘I’m in your pocket’. The meaning is no matter where you are or what happens, I’m right there with you every step of the way. This is a phrase my mother said to me as a small child, one meant to comfort the frightened little kid. Well, those few words worked. I was able to take baby steps, leading to larger strides over the years. Does this work the same way with adults? Maybe.
We all have barriers we fight, no matter if you’re sharing a D/s relationship or a very vanilla and ultra conservative one. For some of us, we rage against the machine. For others, we stay complacent. What I know now more than I did even two months ago is that within a D/s lifestyle, the openness and honesty, the willing to give all of yourself, is an emotion difficult to describe. Enlightening. Fulfilling. Breath-stealing. Terrifying. Painful. All of these very raw emotions come into play and so many more. For a submissive, giving enough trust you allow full control over your life is precious, a moment you feel safe and wanted more than you ever have.
For the Dom, his level of heightened responsibility is both freeing as well as daunting. In learning more about John Patrick, I knew he was becoming the man he always longed to be- yet… His trepidation about everyone around him was and is stilling, at times stifling for him. The barriers are laced with ice and venom. He’s not unlike any man who steps into the roll of protector and knight, disciplinarian and tutor, while maintaining a regular life.
Many have asked me how I can continue to feel the same intensity, submit easily after everything we’ve been through. The answer to me wasn’t simple in the least – my barriers interfered. When I spent so many hours, days and weeks tormenting myself, I realized why. The single word – love. I called this the love of the ages in other blogs. Others have and will continue to scoff, but I know in my heart. Does this knowledge bring my barriers down? Not entirely. Time, re-learned trust and continued openness will be the way.
This isn’t a blog of sadness, but one of rebirth. This is about joy for me, the woman who smiles as she looks into the mirror – well, the majority of the time. I smile because I’m still a woman with foibles and worries. We all have them, male and female, but I’m finally found an inner peace. Embrace the tough emotions within yourself and fight your personal wall. The future is bright in many ways and is what I make of it. This is something you can achieve, if only you have the courage. I hope you embrace yours as you delve into tomorrow, knowing you’re loved and worth loving.
Kisses, spanks and words I hope will inspire you.