Protocols Within a D/s Relationship

I’ve had some fairly lively discussions as of late with Sir as well as with writers and readers on Facebook. I think given the upcoming release of 50 Shades of… people are more interested in D/s relationships than ever. Of course the movie, at least from the trailers I’ve seen, show very little about any reality involving a D/s journey. There’s simply no way to capture the essence when you’re trying to fit so much into a movie – including higher ticket sales without pissing off the moral majority. After all, this particular I am dominantstory is more about a billionaire recluse meets young waive then falls in love kind of movie than a true representation of D/s. However, I look at this quite positively given so many are asking questions. The interest is huge, growing every day. The understanding is slow in coming.

As I’ve said before, I’m no expert with regards to the lifestyle, but I like to think I give a more realistic view in my blogs as well as my books. While there may be some billionaire Dom’s out there, gorgeous and sexy men just waiting for the perfect, and always beautiful submissive, I honestly think that’s a pipe dream. I know readers enjoy this kind of story, but I’ve talked to many more who prefer a real couple – a woman who isn’t Barbie and a man who has more than one foible, let alone a rather empty bank account. That’s you and me – people craving finding the truth to their inner needs, hoping they’ll connect with another who believes as they do. In a vanilla relationship that’s tough enough. In D/s? Whew.

The conversation today centered around protocols within D/s. What does that mean exactly? Well, there are rules we all must follow whether in our careers or just in basic society. Dominants generally have rules submissives must follow as well and they vary of course depending on the couple. What about how these rules interact with the outside world? Are they any different or should they be? For Sir and I, he longs to share our experiences with others and there are various ways in which to do this. We certainly talk to other Dominants and submissives, my writing reaches hundreds, but we’re talking a very personal experience.

He longs to go to various munches, even kink clubs where we can experience a different side of D/s as well as BDSM. You tend to place yourself in a vacuum when you’re together. Reading certainly doesn’t give you all the fine points about how others live, how they interact with each other and what their respective roles entail. Being with others, enjoying talking freely in an uninhibited environment is truly amazing. I’ve only experienced this on a couple of occasions and never in a club like setting.

As an author, I’ve been asked to sit in on panel discussions involving BDSM. Initially this was based solely on books I’d written, but as some learned I’m a submissive, living the lifestyle to some degree, I was asked for a different reason. I felt extremely inadequate at that point a couple of years ago. I hadn’t spent any time with a Dom in any manner. You simply can’t read and know what you’re talking about in regards to D/s, DD, BDSM or any of the other alternative lifestyles. You can’t.

In a conversation with Sir, he asked me to read a selection from Fetlife in In my collarwhich a rather new Dom was questioning protocol in public. The conversation centered around the concept of what to do when you meet a couple and how do you or even should you address the submissive in any manner. I think first this is indeed all about common sense. Talking is one thing. Groping is another. There are still many who believe these situations are all about ‘hook-ups’. Granted, D/s couples might be going to play with others, but I can assure you the majority of Dom’s will have full control over the situation.

Ownership is a word often floated around and whether you’re a collared submissive or not, the simple truth is, the majority of Dom’s have full say as to whether the submissive can play or not. With Sir? Well, he is pretty clear he wants no other man to handle me. That’s his personality. He’s all controlling in a manner that allows him to delve deeper into his darker sides. The exploration brings us closer as we continue on our journey. That being said, he’s not trying to keep me under lock and key. He simply appreciates respect – both give and take. Should the Dom be addressed first, requesting permission to even say hello to the submissive? I think that’s a very good question.

Submissives often walk behind their Dom’s. This is a sign of respect. In the case with Sir and I, I’m not talking about going shopping or having dinner with friends. Perhaps other couples always practice this, but for us, that’s just not practical. We have certain positions of authority and if seen together, that just wouldn’t suit the masses. In a group situation where everyone else is in some manner of an alternative lifestyle? I would give him the respect he deserved. I’m not collared and leashed – nor do I know if that would ever occur, but respect is something else entirely. I certainly wouldn’t just breeze in and start up a conversation with another Dom.

Sir might allow me to speak freely to other submissives, but there again, Sir would need to also make certain the other Dom/s would allow this. Again, this is a matter of respect on both sides. As he said to me, if we knew the people, had been around them before, the rules might be a bit different. Why? Because we’d both know what to expect. There is a level of trust at this point. The other Dom’s would know who we are and would hopefully never cross the imaginary boundaries.

We also had a conversation about what I would call another Dom. I certainly doubt I’d say, ‘hi Fred, how are you today’. Then again, I wouldn’t call him Master either. My Sir is adamant about this. If I ever say the word ‘Master’, it will be to him alone. Sir is a sign of respect in any culture as well as in a vanilla situation. Sir Williams would be just fine. For me? Well, I don’t think we’ve figured that out yet. He’s still determining his particular protocols. What I do limitsbelieve whole-heartedly is that the BDSM community is one of the most respectful I’ve ever talked with. This is basic social etiquette. Girls (guys for that matter) if you’ve ever been groped on a dance floor by a stranger you know what I’m talking about.

Talking to others is something I doubt Sir can curtail. I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut. He doesn’t want to squelch my personality, but he will control who I talk to, as he should in my opinion in these situations.

Then we hit social media. Do the rules apply? They should. On my Fetlife page it clearly states I’m owned and that any male friendship requests must go through him. Do I have a slur of males who try and friend me? All the time. I honestly don’t think the passage is read. The men interested simply look at the cover picture and click ‘friend’. They sometimes go further sending me a private message, telling me in no uncertain terms what they’d like to do to me. While I chuckle, I have to believe those who ignore the basic request really have no idea what the lifestyle means – or either they don’t care.

Do I friend them? Usually not. I love attention as any woman does, but there is a time and a place. Even if you’re in a vanilla relationship, being admired is joyful. Pissing off your significant other can lead to some rather difficult arguments or worse. What do you think? Should there be very clear protocols within a D/s relationship? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Kisses and spanks…


BTW don’t forget I have many a delicious book on D/s. Coming tomorrow, another taste of Power Control – Taken.

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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