The Great Fifty Shades Debate – Is BDSM and D/s Abuse?

Let me ask you a few questions. Do you believe the D/s lifestyle or BDSM glorifies the abuse of women? Do you believe it debases women’s equality? Do you believe that the concept of a man controlling a woman means she’s a slave with little intelligence of her own, has low self-esteem? Evidently a hell of a lot of people feel this way and the concepts really piss me off. The first thing I have to say is if you don’t understand anything about the lifestyle – do NOT comment. You can certainly not read the book or see the movie, but A Dominantlet it the hell alone. EL James might not be the most fabulous author in this world, but wouldn’t you like to be sitting with millions in your bank account? I’m written at least four dozen books on D/s, BDSM, DD, and M/s lifestyles and nothing comes close to the acclaim. HOWEVER, I’ve done my research. I’ve experienced a personal journey. I’ve talked to others who have been in the lifestyle for a long time. In other words, I became educated.

Should 50 Shades be censored? You know my opinion on censorship. The last time I looked we were in 2015. We’re supposed to be an educated society. Sadly, we lack tremendously. We’re driving ourselves back into the stone ages. If you’re so terrified of this glorifying abuse, why do the books continue to sell millions? Why is 50 Shades the most anticipated movie of the year? My guess is all those conservative religious folk will be the first to stand in line. You might express your damnation to your lady friends at church, but I bet you’re fantasizing at night, longing for a man to take full control, perhaps tie you to the bed and whip your ass. Admit it. Uh-huh. I hear crickets. Let’s continue.

Do D/s relationship demoralize women, take away their rights? Are you out of your mind? Does a D/s relationship actually give positive credence to abusing women? I was asked to comment on a thread on Facebook today, given the author knew that I write real life D/s and comment quite frequently on the lack of understanding of the lifestyle. To try and suggest in any way, shape or form that D/s or BDSM is abuse shows extraordinary ignorance. I’m appalled at the number of people who actually believe 50 Shades should be banned because it depicts and strongly encourages the abuse of women. Really? I must have read another book. Pretty tame in my opinion. As I stated clearly, if the book and movie should be banned, think about mine? I’ve even delved into some aspects of dub con (dubious consent) – the hottest growing genre. Granted, I do it with kid gloves and you always see in her mind she wants the experience. People love the stuff, purchase more of this and all the other kinky shit out there than anything else.

But this is abusing women. Right? This is taking away their rights. Uh-huh…

A Submissives_s PrayerI’ve heard way too many times that women are helpless, mindless women who fall into an abusive relationship. Mindless? You come at me and tell me I’m mindless, a slave who knows no better. Bring it. The women I know who submit to a Dom or Master are the most intelligent and creative women who have powerful careers, influential friends and tend to live in the upper echelon of life. I dare say they’d be insulted if you called them mindless.

Are there abusive situation in D/s? You bet, just as there is in any vanilla relationship. Will I ever condone abuse in any manner? Of course not. I seem to have to remind people that the lifestyle isn’t about dungeons and whips. Are some involved in certain playtime? Yes. Do all couples engage in playtime and acts of BDSM? No. Plain and simple. Does 50 Shades depict an accurate picture of the lifestyle? Not even close. The movie is a glorified love story that depicts various acts in a very uneducated fashion. I was terrified reading some of the pages because I knew the shit would hit the fan when the movie came out. Why?

Stereotyping. The BDSM Community is being criticized, scrutinized and generally looked down upon because the concept of women as submissives glorifies abuse. Think about this and get fired up with me. I gave the gift of my submission to John Patrick period. The choice was mine alone. Has he ever attempted to abuse me in any manner? I’d kicked the mother fucker in the nuts if he did. What we have is mutual respect and honesty, something at times vanilla couples don’t have. We talk about anything and everything, sharing our fears and worries. When I submit to any kind of kink, I know exactly what’s going to happen and consent. Hear the word? CONSENT.

The lifestyle is the most fulfilling and freeing of any that I’ve experienced, whether it be basic vanilla, dating, traditional marriage, slightly kinky relationship, etc. There is nothing that brings me more joy or satisfaction as sharing this amazing journey with a man who absolutely adores me.

There’s a lot of buzz on Facebook about this and when I was asked to give my opinion, I was dragged into a rabbit hole. People can certainly have opinions about this movie or any other topic that mind come to their mind, but to equate the lifestyle with the book or movie simply shouldn’t be done. The media has certainly been no friend to the BDSM community. There’s always been a bit of bad press about BDSM in general, but when Prime Time showed actual dungeons in areas of town that were crime and rat ridden, I laughed. Then I realized these people were serious. They actually showed the dungeon with lit torches and the entire place looked like a torture chamber. Shame on you ABC.

So many couples never see a playroom, play in a club scene or have any kinds of apparatuses in their homes. You pick this one aspect to show to the American population? There was a person on Facebook today who actually implied the movie would harm women’s equality. I have to shake my head at the ridiculous of so many uneducated people. For any who Submissive Lovemight not be in or have actually learned about D/s to any degree, submission is a gift. Men don’t find a woman and just say, hey baby I’m in control and you’ll do what I want, when I want. Finding a connection and learning to care for, respect and trust someone to even consider submitting to them takes time, sharing everything. Read any of my other blogs and you might learn something real about the lifestyle.

There isn’t a way I could simply submit to any man. I’m not just a submissive and I’m gonna find some guy I can kneel down to. Hog wash. I also consider myself an extremely strong woman, very powerful in many ways. I’m very equal or better than some men. So the fuck what? I have all the equality in my life and I choose to submit. That’s supposedly a gift allowed by being in a free country – I’m allowed to choose.

FREE TO CHOOSE. Keep that in mind the next time you condemn something you have zero clue about. 50 Shades has brought the lifestyle into the forefront. It’s just a shame in a manner so many people are allowed to see a tiny portion. D/s is NOT abuse. Period. D/s is a selected choice – one that’s amazing and honest. I would hope vanilla relationships can actually reach this status.

Educate yourselves – ask me anything you’d like.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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4 Responses to The Great Fifty Shades Debate – Is BDSM and D/s Abuse?

  1. Sherri Hayes says:

    From reading this post, I’m getting that you are pairing the understanding that those who feel the movie is abusive to those who feel BDSM and D/s is abusive. While I’m sure there are people out there who fall into this category, I also know plenty of people who live the lifestyle who also feel 50 Shades portrays an abusive relationship as well as a few other things. Do I think it should be censored? No. However, saying that just because it’s popular means that it’s not doesn’t make sense either. There are plenty of things in history that were popular that now we wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. However, if you feel something IS abusive, shouldn’t you speak up about it? Shouldn’t you give an alliterative perspective? I happen to think yes.

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    • The point is that there are too many people who see this movie and judge just based on the actions in the movie. That’s ridiculous. I personally don’t think the movie or the book portrays anything real. That’s my point only. For the idiots who think all D/s relationships are abusive – they need to educate themselves. Period

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  2. I think the reason why EL James was criticized so much by the BDSM community was because she did not accurately portray the lifestyle. An author has a certain responsibility to research and portray what they’re writing about in a correct way, no? Christian was stalkerish, controlling, and didn’t take no for an answer. That is not how it works in a D/s relationship.

    I get that what she’s writing about is a fantasy. I also believe most Fifty fans will never explore any BDSM aspects. In fact, they probably skimmed over the majority of the sex scenes, which became repetitive and boring after a while. What appealed to them was a strong, dominant man taking control, and the redemptive powers of love. The premise is no different from the millions of romances out there–EL James just added a BDSM backdrop, so the novelty of that made everyone lose their shit.

    I have no problem with women exploring their fantasies. What I do have a problem with is impressionable young women reading this trilogy and internalizing it on an almost obsessive level. Remember what that was like? I did it reading Danielle Steele and Judy Blume, and countless others. These books formed strong images in my mind, elicited cravings, desires for things to be a certain way. So a teen girl reading Fifty may form an ideal version of a man in her mind (Christian Grey, who is NOT a good role model), and come away with the belief that love will heal all. It’s the classic fantasy–good girl heals bad boy. Now, an adult after much trial and error finally realizes it cannot be done. But the young girl wastes many, many years trying…and suffering…and being mistreated.

    I’ve been with the bad boys, I’ve been with men I thought I could change. And had I read Fifty growing up I would no doubt have idolized Christian Grey. In my humble opinion, Michael in Judy Blume’s Forever is a much better idea of a boyfriend to aspire to have, rather than the controlling, emotionally fucked-up man child that is Christian Grey.

    Anyway, I know this was a bit off track re BDSM, but ultimately I fail to see how Fifty helped the lifestyle.

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    • HI ya – didn’t want you to think I was ignoring you. I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. As you well know, I believe while you can write a fantasy story, you have to be accurate. I’m not thrilled with the negativity on one side from her books – BUT on the other hand, the interest is certainly peaked. Now everyone in the community needs to share the reality. Don’t you think?

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