The Myths and Truths Behind BDSM

First of all let me say I’m not expert in anything, especially BDSM. I’m a novice at best in the lifestyle, having only explored various aspects. However as an author, I’m done my homework. That still doesn’t make me any expert. The journey personally as well as the one enabling me to write in various genres, continues daily. That being said, I continue to receive comments and questions given the Fifty Shades books and movie. I’m not going to belabor the point, except to say the author no doubt wrote something she found interesting. Sadly, the interpretation is all over the place. If you’veI will please him
ready any of my blogs, you realize I don’t see the books or movie as a clear depiction of the reality around the lifestyle.

What has resonated with me with regards to the entire Fifty Shades event – everyone has an opinion – is that the misnomers about the lifestyle are now skewed more than ever before. Words such as ‘abuse’ and ‘stalking’ have been written and repeated time and time again. Don’t you think the movie makers wanted this to be controversial? You bet they did. They highlighted portions in a manner that would provide fodder in various circles, discussions and near arguments among friends and colleagues. Why? Well we know why. To sell a movie and make money. You’ve heard my views on the way the media has captured those involved in a D/s or M/s lifestyle – whether aspects of bondage, sadism or masochism are involved. They simply don’t get it. I read a piece today about a mother writing to her children, fearing for their safety as well as their future because of the movie. A pretty powerful statement and accolade to fiction, eh?

This is a sad sentiment on several levels. I read another commentary suggesting that finally now, erotic romance will have a place in mainstream television and movies. Sadly, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Americans in particular are ultra conservative when it comes to sex. The inhibitions about bodies, let alone enveloping anything highly erotic, remains a behind closed doors situation. Of course porn is still hot, as well as strip and dance clubs, but admitting you long for a little flogging or fucking while being tethered? Right… That’s not going to happen. So we live vicariously on the lives of others, both in real life and fiction. Suddenly what you see on screen you either must have or long to emulate. Do you think Fifty Shades is THE movie of the year? Harsh critics will never give the movie its due justice. And that is? It’s freaking selling tickets at the box office, but for the wrong reason? Maybe. In truth, I’m like many in the community who is terrified because of the message being doled out on a silver platter adorned with strawberries and caviar.

Why we place so much importance on fiction is beyond me but we can’t ignore the facts. The movie is defiling the lifestyle. I haven’t seen it yet, not certain I will other than research, but the truth is, people are confused. Stalking and forcing should never be a part of the lifestyle in any way. Respect, honesty, trust, love, nurturing, understanding and patience are the reality. The biggest misconception I see is the flagrant disregard to what BDSM is in the scheme of a D/s relationship. What do the letters mean?

B – Bondage – the submissive will at times be tied in various fashions. There is an art to using rope, twisting and tying until the submissive is secured. Handcuffs and leather straps are popular as well. This isn’t a throw down, some girl grabbed off the street. He or she completely understands what’s happening, whether a contract has been signed or discussions held. I’ve been tied in a way I was unable to move, even gagged, but I had zero fear of what he Collar and leash 2was going to do. Being a submissive means you’ve given your entire trust, more than in any vanilla relationship, to your partner. While you’re often uncertain of what’s going to happen, the outcome will mean safe and sane. JP was very careful and honest with me. I was completely in his hands, yet realized he knew me well enough to be able to look into my eyes. If I was over the edge, I had no doubt he’d cease all activities. Trust – HUGE factor and I trust JP with my life.

D – Domination – of course there is one in charge and the other obeying rules, but these rules are established between the two parties. The Dominant will have conditions, requirements and the submissive is expected to follow them. In my case, Sir and I laugh and commiserate at the realization have difficulty, but the fact is and will forever remain that I desire his control. I accepted and embraced my need a few years ago. He merely brought out the final key, unlocking Pandora’s Box.

Domination isn’t about beating someone into doing what the Dom desires. Domination is about knowing the submissive well enough to give him or her the freedom to let go, savor the fact they don’t want to be in charge. Being submissive is the stronger role, in my opinion anyway. My gift to JP is the beginning of our journey, one with twists and turns. His dominance of the woman is multi-faceted. He learns every day about me, what makes me tick, as well as himself. What we share today will change in the future. Of that I have no doubt.

S – Submission and Sadism. These are vastly different but there are misconceptions on both. Fifty Shades seems to be more about leading up to an event, as if he can tell what she desires by looking into her eyes. Truthfully, JP knows me well enough to be able to do so, but only after hours, weeks of very frank conversation. Let’s get a few things clear. Being a submissive is empowering, but doesn’t necessarily just happen. While I understand some women seem to be born into knowing they are subservient in nature, I don’t believe this is the truth for the majority of women (or men) who embrace their inner being. Submissives are creatures who know what they want and finally embraced the person they are. We are beings who ignite the souls of others.

Sadism. This is one of the most misunderstood aspects and deserves full comment. I’ve mentioned JP has finally embraced his sadistic side. His need to inflict pain with me and me alone means several things including the fact we understand, trust and respect each other completely. I give him the honesty about the woman inside and the truth shared in our amazing conversations gives him the courage to explore his dark needs. Yes, some pain is considered pleasure to the submissive, bringing he or she into what the majority of even vanilla couples know as ‘subspace’. For me, the word simply means the ultimate of letting go, bliss and agony mixed together, the dichotomy heightening every sense. This occurs for the Dominant as well as the submissive. They both need in a way difficult to explain.

M – Masochism. This simply put means the submissive enjoys the concept My slave 2of pain. You have to ask why? That’s a tough answer. Some submissives who enjoy this are called ‘pain sluts’. I suppose for some submissives, the attention given in acts of pain – NOT violence but controlled pain – is more exhilarating than the simple act of sex. They long to have the slice of a whip, the feel of clamps, or the sting of a cane. I admit, I hunger to a degree, as does JP. We share the dark cravings and at this point have only explored bits and pieces. For us, we realize additional conversations as well as education are needed before we even attempt.

Education? Hear the word? We completely understand we need more time to learn, talk, explore, share, try and fail, try again before we accept or reject. This is merely a part of our journey, one we’re crafting. Each one is different. Keep that in mind. As far as reading message after message that D/s isn’t about love or romance? Hog-fucking-wash. Our romantic side is just as strong and full of need as our kink side. Without the romance and passion, the dark needs would never be fed enough to flourish. When you go to condemn the lifestyle or are certain Fifty Shades IS the truth – think again and listen and learn. Enough said. Their fifteen minutes of fame in my world is over.

Kisses and spanks…
Cassandre

 

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
This entry was posted in BDSM, Domination and submission, Dubious Consent, Spanking and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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