A Dom’s Complex Needs in Sadism and Vanilla

The concept about abuse is still buzzing regarding the D/s and M/s community. I continue to cringe every time I read a rather stupid comment on Facebook. However, I realize the Fifty Shades movie shows you one side of a damaged man, one who needs a woman to fully embrace both side, even nurture them. That can be a very daunting task. We all have a complex mixture of light and dark within us. There are times our fantasies are so intense, so vile we could never mention them in a public setting. Finding anyone you can trust enough to share aspects of your desires with isn’t as easy as you think.

Marriages are often thought of as allowing two people to truly be themselves, As your masterbut I’ve found that’s often not the case. Why? Well there are a variety of reasons, including an innate fear of being made fun of or worse, being pushed away. Sharing hungers such as the edgier sides of kink with a very vanilla laced partner is truly trying. Just think about telling your wife you’d like to go to a kink club, or have the desire to piss in her mouth, whip her until she’s marked. This certainly isn’t dinner conversation. But what if you could?

As you know, I comment often about how important completely open communication is within a D/s relationship. You absolutely have to be up front in your likes and dislikes, the single or multiple aspects of kink you simply can’t tolerate. There’s moderation to all aspects – or at least there should be. I’ve learned some very important lessons on this amazing journey. One, I remain a woman inside, needing the basic attention every girl needs. Two, men are extremely complex and often times much more dramatic than women. Yep, I said it. They have needs and long to be stroked in various fashions, including their egos.

I see nothing wrong with this, but when you add the Dom factor into the mix, there are times their submissives can become confused. In my case, my head sometimes spins. John Patrick is a very intelligent man, one with many talents. He can fix a car, cook a gourmet meal and select the perfect red wine. He is also tender with a touch or a kiss. There is another side, however, one bordering on very sadistic needs. His domination is offered with respect, well thought out and we talk about every rule. He isn’t demanding, but at times I can see the switch in texts, meaning he’s flipping from one side to the other, believe it or not. One or two words shows me which side he is and often I have no idea why the switch, but the change can be profound.

Personally, I believe if a Dom doesn’t have and share both the vanilla and dominating side then he’d not really being himself. I will take youTrue sadists of course have to care about the submissive or slave’s feelings. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I’ve only met one man in the past two years who tried to make certain I knew he didn’t give a shit about what I thought or what I needed. Obviously I ran from this dude, but I can tell you his tough guy persona cracked more than once. Only a tiny percent of the population have zero conscience. Thank God for that. The majority of men who are Dom’s move back and forth to some degree in their emotional needs.

John Patrick is no exception. He calls me extremely affectionate, given he’s had very little in his life. I’m that kind of woman, one who enjoys showering JP with gifts and little notes, sending pictures given he’s a visionary man. I love the little comments that all women do including ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ when they aren’t asked for. As far as talking, we certainly aren’t going to only converse about various aspects of BDSM or rules. That would be boring as hell. Besides, life has many sides as well as needs. Simply going to work, dealing with issues or negative people can turn us all into cranky shitheads at times.

Since he and I have gone through so much together and the time involved, everything has changed just a bit. While I can still see some of the triggers that will push him back and forth from vanilla to Dom/sadist, often I’m waking up wondering ‘which man will he be today?’ You bet that’s confusing as hell at times. Then again, given everything I’ve either been through or am going through, I have no doubt he remains confused at times as well. That’s where totally open communication can help – but not always.

Submissives might be the most supportive group of women on the planet. We are designed in nature to give of ourselves, both in body and spirit. We also can tell when our Dom’s are in a dark place, whether because of our relationship or something entirely out of our control. We long to soothe, heal the savage beast, and do everything to remind him that he’s all male, powerful and delicious. Of course couples in a vanilla lifestyle do this as well, but I honestly think men in a strictly vanilla setting tend to hold back, hide their emotions and fears. They are supposed to be the strong guy, yet they have no skills to be the one in control given society and aspects of equality. So they brood and mask their pain. Often times this will lead to arguments because women pick. We just do.

We have to know what’s going on at all times, whether right or wrong. There is no letting men have space or time. Even JP teases me about the big brain having to know everything. I’m a woman – sue me. Those who know me realize I believe in reincarnation and embraced a bunch of years ago I’m here to learn and re-learn patience. UGH. I have little – well until now. Our relationship is challenging on so many levels, including trying to allow him time as his distinct needs split further apart, yet continue to increase.

Months ago he longed for control, total domination, but it seemed easier for him to move into the vanilla space when we were simply sharing wine and conversation. He struggles more now, moves into his dark place without telling me what’s going on in his mind. While I understand part of this is about time we need to spend together and it is limited, there’s another factor, one darker. He’s now realizing he truly is in a sense two different men and he’s scared. I’m not going to suggest he was playing at being my Dom before, but now his personal needs have bridged the surface. He fights with them to this Protectday because of that fear of thoughts of others.

That will only be able to change with time, my continued patience, and a heightened level of nurturing. I have to allow him the time to explore the sadistic side as it melds and morphs. When the vanilla man comes into the room he seems to stutter a bit, as if saying ‘I love you’ or ‘you mean everything to me’ will alter his dark side. Hogwash of course, but he has to come to terms with this. He’s not a man who can be pushed so I have to have… Yep, more patience. As you can imagine the knowledge is frustrating, but as we move forward, pushing past both real and imagined boundaries, we are growing stronger.

I also have to have the strength to tell him when I’m concerned or worried just as much as I expect him to do the same. Given certain eggshells and tightropes we had to face, understandable. I’ll walk through the hot coals to reach out, take that leap of faith. This he knows and is learning to accept. Having a Dom who has complex sides is fascinating and reminds me every day, something as precious as what we share shouldn’t be taken for granted. Not for a single day.

I hope you’ve enjoyed and think about your relationship. Are you as open as you should be?

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
This entry was posted in BDSM, Domination and submission and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A Dom’s Complex Needs in Sadism and Vanilla

  1. Yvonne Gardner says:

    Very informative. Thank you.


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