BDSM is merely a platform for abuse? Really? This is another bunch of hogwash, based on ignorance of a lifestyle. You always assume the worst when you don’t know the situation. Right? Turns my stomach still today. I’m very much an advocate for education in all arenas. Sadly, I think BDSM is the new ‘gay bashing”. While I understand there is a significant amount of misnomers regarding the lifestyle, to actually come out in public and say a platform for abuse? Anger continues to boil in me.
I never realized how vital the above words truly were with regard to a D/s relationship nestled inside of a BDSM environment. Ever since I began a journey of writing as well as my very amazing personal experience with a man who adores me, I’ve embraced these words along with patience, understanding, acceptance, desire, openness and others. These mean something in every D/s relationship. I actually had someone suggest to me that there was no way a couple could be in love and share this kind of relationship. As in ‘this kind’ is distasteful. I certainly realize the lifestyle isn’t for everyone. I’m not into religion, but to each their own.
Don’t judge lest ye be judged. Have you ever heard the expression? Think about this for a few minutes. Yep, you got it, pretty religious stuff. Right? The simple words hold so many truths. It seems few of us hold our tongues, especially when we have a basic opinion on them. When we don’t have a knowledge base, the information becomes muddled, as is the case with Fifty Shades. You see something on the big screen and you automatically believe everything? Dear God, we do have more followers in the world than I thought. How sad.
I asked John Patrick his thoughts on the platform statement and as he said, enjoying a D/s relationship in any manner is: “the freedom of two of more people consenting to partake in BDSM activities. Abuse only starts when either one person is being forced with no consent or the act goes beyond what was agreed upon.” That’s pretty baseline within the BDSM realm. As I’ve said many times before, abuse is abuse no matter what kind of relationship you’re in. Abuse simply can’t or shouldn’t be tolerated. Period.
I talked with a young girl at a conference, who came up to me admitting she’d been abused as a child and never thought she could enjoy thinking about sex. She thanked me saying she felt so much better, was eager to take it slow but perhaps try a relationship. Guess what I was teaching? A class about writing BDSM. Interesting, he? Now, life and the amazing souls who are able to move past true cases of abuse, I applaud your sacrifices as well as your honesty with yourself in learning to trust again. For those you can’t and are tortured souls, there is nothing worse in my mind.
Abusers have their special place in Hell. However, don’t equate D/s or BDSM with abusers. That’s ignorance in a manner that undermines all of the incredible journeys so many couples are on. This kind of prejudice also undermines the authors and artists who bring you pieces where they have spent the time to educate themselves, sharing the truth as well as the fantasy. John Patrick and I had a heated discussion about religious people. Some say a man beating a woman in any manner is simply abuse. As he and I discussed, Domestic Discipline using spankings as punishment is based in Christianity.
He also reminded me there is a Fetlife group that is Christian based and their discussions are very lively and thought provoking. Of course the concept seems to be polar opposite, but I think I might have to read, hear their viewpoints. That’s only fair. I need to learn their thoughts, how their faith works with regard to BDSM.
Unfortunately I’ve known many a “Christian” who hid behind their beliefs and truly abused their partner. But again, as JP reminded me, every walk of life has abusers nestled within. Think about the Catholic Church and all those poor little boys. The man or woman living next door might be abusing their wife behind closed doors, then sits with you at every Sunday church service. In other words, you have no idea where abuse is occurring. It would be ridiculous of me to say that all Christians use Domestic Discipline or potentially could abuse their wives because the practice is based in Christianity. Now wouldn’t it?
As authors we must be careful to provide as much intelligent in our stories as the Internet, talking, other education books, forums, classes etc. can provide. We are scrutinized if one detail is wrong. I accept that responsibility and while I’m no expert, I strive to make certain I’m getting details correct. You are readers must accept, however, that everything you read isn’t gospel. Some authors take short cuts. Those in the lifestyle do not. We understand more than anyone that there must be careful attention paid to caring for another, one who’s placed all their trust in your hands. Fifty Shades is a book of entertainment. That’s it. Yes, the book can influence. Yes, there are discussions and I get it, but don’t disparage the BDSM community for a single movie.
Every D/s couple doesn’t play, but those who do use a safe word, forcing the activity to stop immediately. The safe word is all about trust as well, both in yourself as a submissive and with your Dom/Domme. However, there isn’t a single way I would have EVER allowed John Patrick to touch me in any manner intimately period, let alone with a whip in his hand, without an innate trust of the man. His care and love of the woman inside allows for the very uninhibited aspect to burst through the seams.
The other misnomer he reminded me of is that all women (men of course too) who allow themselves to be used in manners that are within BDSM must be mindless saps, creatures no better than slaves. Well, given I’m a highly intelligent, willful woman who owns two business, has written over one hundred fifty books, and has the highest designation in the country for managing planned communities – what do you think. Do I have any idea what I’m doing with regard to submission? Yeah, I think so.
For the lay person, who’s only heard about being beaten in the course of a BDSM setting, I can understand your concern that the submissive is being at minimum coerced. This simply isn’t the case. Let’s get through a few misnomers. Do submissives enjoy pain, even to the point of craving? Not all submissives are alike just like every woman in a vanilla relationship isn’t the same. I enjoy the closeness of being whipped – not beaten. I embraced the realization I need a firm hand and the spankings or whippings are very calming for me. Does every couple play in BDSM dungeons? First of all, they’re not all dungeons and while JP and I have played to a point, we aren’t really into the club scene and in truth, the concept is a small portion of what he and I share. BDSM is just sex, sex, SEX. Nope. Often there is little sex. The closeness I feel with JP is about so many aspects, ones I’ve discussed. Closeness between a couple of any type can come in various forms. Every relationship is different. This is something everyone needs to remember.
Next time you think abuse, hate the men and women who can’t stand another, beating them to a blood pulp just because they breathe. That’s who you should shun.
Kisses and spanks…