What if you could get away with something heinous? Would you consider doing the evil deed? What if there were no consequences to choices you made? Would that mater in any of the decisions you’ve made for your life? Interesting questions. Don’t you think?
I’m often asked whether or not discipline is completely different than a round of hard punishment. The conversation is something JP and I have talked about several times. I think as with anything else with a D/s relationship, there are various answers, but in our opinion, yes there certainly is. If you’ve read any of my blogs, you’re aware that I completely believe in various aspects of discipline, whether within a domestic discipline or Dom and submissive relationship. What I think vanilla couples don’t seem to understand is that discipline is a simple way of stating the submissive is to follow certain rules. If they aren’t followed, there are consequences. Sounds easy to understand. Don’t you think? Well, perhaps there is a bit more complexity to the thought process after all.
There are so many misnomers about a D/s relationship and I think at this point, given the media attention, there will be more. Many people don’t understand within any society, there’s a hierarchy of people and their worth based on rank, money, birthright, etc. We as a population in every given country have to follow rules. We were instilled with this notion as a child – at least the majority of us. Right from wrong is generally innate by the time we’re four or five. Our parents taught us that if we touch a hot oven we’ll probably get burned. We learned early on that breaking the law might end us in prison. At work, we abide by the requirements for our position as well as the do’s and don’ts, thereby allowing us to remain employed. We have to pay our bills after all. Even if you absolutely can’t stand the person in the next office, most of us don’t generally stab the guy or gal in the back. Usually anyway.
Why should there be any difference in your relationships? The basic answer is because men and women are equal. There’s no leader in the small pack, no checks and balances. You know my feelings. There can’t be two leaders in any dynamic. Whether you think about a business setting or a battle zone, two or more leaders will generally create friction because everyone has a better idea. Granted, one hopes you’re not going to battle with the love of your life, but how often have you with your special mate?
When you break down the dynamics and there’s one leader, peace can ensue. I say can. You all know the mouthy woman I am and I’ve been a rule breaker in my years. No, I haven’t committed some terrible crime I’ve either been punished for or gotten away with. I’m certain I have certain buttons that if pushed would lead to going outside of my norm. However, if you knew you could stab the co-worker in the back and win points without being discovered, would you do it? Don’t immediately say no. Come on. You know you’ve been in this situation once or twice.
If you break a relationship down to the most base level, both the man and the woman think they know better and ultimately try and sway the other into believing or doing what they want. Divorce rates are high because of this very reason. I want control. I need to have control, but not in my home life. Of course the concept is a huge adjustment and thereby both discipline and punishment comes into play.
JP has very few rules. If we were living together I have no doubt there’d be more. I also believe the requirements would increase initially then reach a plateau. I’m not the kind of woman who wants to displease. I merely have a personality that pushes back if I’m unsure, angry, frustrated or just exhausted. Rules do help stabilize my brain when the job takes a significant toll. I’m often anxious or depressed and knowing I have rules to follow honestly helps calm the inner beast.
The concept of Discipline is issued on a more regular basis. The thought process is to keep a submissive in a centered place, which making certain she understand the Dom is in charge. Issuing discipline doesn’t necessarily mean receiving a spanking all the time. Being ignored, standing in a corner, being kept in a quiet space or having luxuries such as the Internet taken away are highly effective. Every Dom needs to find out exactly the kind of behavioral training helps his submissive find her inner peace. This is very individualized.
Performing various talks or rituals is an excellent way not only to help train a submissive, but in a sense will keep her centered. Everything from having a drink ready when the Dom comes home or performing other tasks he requires, is a form of discipline that is non intrusive. Certain tasks can be done when you’re not together. I have several routines I follow every day. This helps tether us, keep the vital aspect of his control alive. I have a very peaceful feeling when I perform them, knowing what I give pleases him very much. This might sound simplistic, but the cause and effect is spot on. I know he’s in control. I embrace the concept. I’ve told him many times I believe I would excel with maintenance spankings.
I’m an intense chick so being able to let go in this manner seems so perfect. Granted, I might not think so if I were getting them once or twice a week. Here’s where the difference in a maintenance spanking and a punishment spanking lies. A discipline spanking isn’t usually as long or as hard. The event is a short bridge of yanking the submissive back to a focused point. I can tell you after having received a spanking I’m much more grounded, calm and collected. Would this work for everyone? Of course not.
I think there are so many people who believe rules and discipline is taking away her individuality, forcing her into acts she has no desire for. Within a D/s relationship, she makes a choice to enter into a realm where rules are foremost. There is no coercion at all. For me, I’ve flourished since and find myself needing more. Has he ever disciplined me when angry? No. That’s not what discipline is about at all. JP is calm and centered himself. We talk about my needs, worries, exasperations etc. that lead me to being over stressed. He knows me so well he can tell by a single text if I’m having a difficult day. For him, being able to take the lead, knowing I’ll follow and obey his requirements without question is a stress reliever as well, so the concept of rules works very well for us.
Punishment isn’t something any submissive wants. Playtime with flogging, etc isn’t the same thing at all. There is and must be a distinction. No one I know wants a round of punishments for several reasons but particularly because they know they’ve disappointed their Dom. JP has been angry with me once and truly disappointed a couple of times. I hate it. The very first time I saw his eyes, the look of hurt mixed with confusion followed by a finality of being so disappointed I almost cried. I never anticipated the intense reaction, the way my stomach lurched. I don’t think he anticipated his level of raw emotions, the kinds that remained long after the incident.
I remember everything about the moment today. I honestly learned more respect for JP as well as for myself. I also thought about lashing out the next time something similar came up. I know a couple of months later I asked if he’d noticed a difference in my behavior and he had. The cause and effect does work. For me as a woman, I am indeed much more grounded in my thinking while I know JP needs more time to train me. We’ll get there. It’s all about…time.
I hope you’ve enjoyed.
Kisses and spanks…