Many of you know how much I love music. In fact, I can’t go a day without listening at work, in the car and when I write to some pretty heady metal music. I have various artists who push my overtly sexual button including Avenged Sevenfold, Disturbed, Five Finger Death Punch and Nickelback. The head banging heady beats are awesome to write sex or murder scenes to. As a pianist, I also love the soft sounds of blues and jazz. JP and I have a song – John Legend of course and I cry still every time I hear the words. I was surprised by a group and a very melodic song they did. The words touched me and I thought about JP. Black Veiled Brides is known for some pretty interesting metal, a rock beat with an edge. “Goodbye Agony” is about letting go of a past and those involved in your life that have no clue what you’re about. The intense words represent a haunting feeling remaining and the raw agony the singer must have experienced for so long in their lives. The pushing away, letting go of the terror and worry, a life they tried to live while lying to themselves haunted me. And it’s so JP.
I mentioned the song to him and he’s had a difficult time listening. I know him too well. The trials and tribulations he’s been going through, ready to move on to another life, have been difficult. He knows what he needs to make him happy, yet he struggles still. I think there are various reasons including he knows I’m spot on with regard to music and the emotions evoked from them. He’s faced his own agony, knowing he’s lived a life as a man hiding behind a mask, one who’s never quite caught the golden beam of happiness. His needs aren’t complex, but no one has understood the man inside before now. I’m happy he’s showed me all of himself.
I often have discussions with other Dom’s and submissives, who talk about how letting go of their pain, no matter how the anguish was created in the past. When they finally reached out to someone who understood them, the feat enabled them to grasp onto true peace of mind and of their souls. The task is much more difficult than you think. This is almost cathartic for many.
We all have a personal level of agony we’ve felt during various times of our lives. Whether we’re talking about the loss of a family member or even a job, times can be tough. We tend to go about our daily lives, following a path of least resistance. Suddenly years go by and often, we realize we’re not the man or woman we thought we’d be or perhaps we’re not in the ‘station’ in life we hoped we’d be. That’s pretty normal and very sad. When you’ve been hiding behind a cloaked veil, pretending to be someone you’re not, imagine. And I know you can.
For those who embrace the concept they prefer a D/s lifestyle, this can be more than daunting. What if the partner you’re with has no desire, longing the concept of full equality? What if you’re terrified to tell your significant other about your very deep desires, ones that have kept you awake at night, longing for more? What can or will you do? That’s the tough question. For many of us, we continue on our basic path, following along like a sheep dog. Few of us enjoy the concept of conflict. We need peace and a steady stream of normal occurrences. When the desire outweighs the doldrums, we either rage hard against the machine or fall into a level of depression.
For JP, I’ve watched his transformation over the past few months and his needs were shoved down in a box. He could no longer handle the understanding he’d finally come to terms with that he is a Dom and needs the D/s lifestyle. Few in his regular life can handle the change, or so he believes. He shut down, following that path, one that led him into an intense darkness. As with all of us, our true needs tend to reach out, the tentacles grabbing onto our very souls. The person inside pushes continually, wanting to be let out of the cage. For few of the lucky ones, we can’t take the normalcy of a life we honestly can barely tolerate. And so we burst free.
In talking about D/s, trying to educate those who can’t grasp the understanding, I encourage first a ‘come to Jesus’ kind of meeting with your inner being.
You have to talk to the soul inside, embracing instead of fighting the person longing to come to the surface. The song brought this to the forefront of my mind. I held back for years, in truth not understanding my needs. I couldn’t figure out why I was suffering inside, while performing as a regular person on a daily basis. I laughed and interacted, but at night I cringed at the person I’d become. When I finally accepted who I am, there was joy as well as fear, but I had to continue in the troubled journey.
So many submissives in particular have commented how being so open about my terror as well as my joys have helped them in realizing their own needs. Women (remember men are submissives too) are very good at hiding their darkest fears and/or needs. While men might think we’re very emotional, the truth is we can easily keep our personal secrets very easily. Men are a bit different. The truth wears on them to the point they become a shell, unable to become emotional about many aspects of their lives. Have you seen the dull look in a guy’s eyes before? He’s a man suffering, longing to find the key to be set free from a bondage they can’t name, one often called life.
I’ve had to sit back and allow JP to simply find himself again in his own time. As you well know, patience isn’t my virtue. I want NOW, so I find a crazy little way of pushing. But in this case I need to hold back, allow him the opportunity to not only grab ahold of the man I love, but also embrace the incredible guy inside once again. People and circumstances can shove us into our own black box, one with a padlock infused with anger, hatred, worry, trepidation and a need to quantify the change. This is a very tough thing to do for all of us. For men? I can only say almost impossible – almost.
I’d love to talk to more Dom’s, garnering the moment when they knew they were a Dom and would live the lifestyle at all costs. Was this something you were born with or did the knowledge come in your teenage years? Were you introduced by information on the Internet or perhaps were lucky enough to have a friend living the lifestyle? I’ve come to realize Dom’s have a tough time talking about their feelings, even more so than men in vanilla relationships. Of course JP and I talk all the time about our needs, but at this point his feelings are wrapped up in a lot of bullshit and innuendos from others he can’t seem to let go. His agony is trying to exist in the very world he’s created, one he’s not happy in but feels responsible for. Of course we’re all responsible for our actions, but at some point you have to say enough is enough.
For any men who know deep inside they are a true Dom, one ready to find a soul mate, I offer this piece of advice. Find yourself. Go to the centering point of your personal universe you know you have. Ask yourself about your current life and if living the one you’ve fantasized about is more to your needs. Continue delving deeper, asking hard questions about altering the person you are today. Can and will you have the strength to let those you know and love hear about the man inside? If the needs outweigh the other aspects of your life, you have to move forward. You must at least find someone you can talk to, one who won’t judge you for the man you are or the one you want to be.
Sound easy? Not at all and I appreciate and respect those who can, women included. For me, the telling was in my blogs and my stories until I was brave enough to accept. For JP? I think his road is a little rockier, but he’s opening up again, seeing the real world after having been wrapped tightly with an ugly label – horrible. I’m glad he’s finally releasing his personal demons and I’m here to support him all the way. When you find someone you can truly be yourself with, you grab on with everything you have. Then you allow them to become the person they always knew they were. Patience is a virtue indeed. For JP? I can tell he’s saying goodbye to his personal agony in the manner in which his soul is allowed and I applaud his courage. I also love him more because of it.
I hope you enjoyed.
Kisses and spanks…