Is the Need for BDSM or a D/s Relationship Innate or a Choice?

This is a very good question in my mind and a conversation I had with John Patrick the other day. He has pushed back against his “dark” needs twice now over the last few months and I had to stop and think. Where do my needs come from? I was even recently asked if they’d been with me my entire life. My honest opinion is they have. I simply had no idea what the concept meant or what to do with my rather dark thoughts. As I’ve talked about before, there are various types of darkness we as humans have buried deep The right Dominside. For serial killers, I have no doubt their hunger to mutilate and destroy life has been with them pretty much their entire life. I think their wiring is just off. I honestly don’t think society can provide any amount of visual stimulation to suddenly create a monster.

Have you have met someone you were afraid of the very first second you were around them as if the energy was all consuming? I have and I could tell by the look in their eyes that they were pure evil. Did they have a difficult family upbringing and this is the sole reason they turned to nurturing their murderous ideas? I highly doubt it. I’m no psychologist, but I can’t imagine they suddenly turned to murderous thoughts and actions just because mommy and daddy weren’t the best parents. Revenge killing is something else entirely. I’m talking about dreams and fantasies that fill every waking day and night, the need to dismember or torture others more like breathing than anything else.

I realize in comparing the dark needs to sharing a BDSM style relationship is nothing like a serial killer, but the darkness involved in longing to have another submit in various ways is worth looking at. John Patrick continued to tell me the other day he made a choice and in his mind, a bad one. Of course his words were disconcerting at best given I’m the woman he longs to share the lifestyle with. I’ve reflected over his words both internally as well as because I know the man, and as you can imagine, I have solid thoughts.

What I’m come to understand is that I’ve been missing a part of me with zero clue. I locked away a part of me I had no way of understanding. I am so damn aggressive at times, pushing every envelope, that I had no concept my inner girl was leaking out. I excelled with John Patrick’s very simple rules. Now, for me personally this is about finding a man I trust innately. I know every aspect of him, both good and bad, and we fit together. This isn’t something I can do with just any man. I don’t have the need to submit based on the thought process alone. I had to have vanilla time as well as nurturing with him to get to a place of peace within myself, but I did quickly. As I’ve reflected more, I quite frankly figured out I have other dark places in my soul as well. My anger level based on the bullshit humans can delve out takes me over the top to nearly explosion. That’s not good. He calms me with his voice, his words and the look in his eyes. Killing people in my books actually is a respite, as crazy as that might sound.

I provide him peace as well. As I said in an earlier blog, by being able to embrace and in a Needing Your Touchsense control his depressed dark side, I allowed him to open up and embrace his other needs. If I actually told you about some of our conversations or his desires with regards to me, you might shy away. Yes, he has intense needs, the kind that could get out of control. BUT, a huge but here, he has the common sense and intelligence to reign in these longings. He has no desire to hurt me in a way I can’t recover from. Hurt not harm – remember the adage. He and I are very complicated people with complexities that perhaps some don’t have. Perhaps. I honestly think if we all would look inside ourselves we’d know we truly hunger for very dark aspects of life.

Put simply, disobeying rules or performing an act against the law is tantalizing. Right? Having sex where we could get caught is also tasty. Would everyone actually commit the act? No, but I would bet a million bucks we’ve all dreamt about doing something carnal. What about heinous? I remember as a child having dreams in color that would terrify the majority of you. I had reoccurring nightmares in which I was being smothered, and the only way out was with a knife. Yes, the bloodshed remained a constant. Why? Well, I had a difficult childhood, but do you really think that’s the reason? I don’t think so.

He asked me the other day why I continue to stay by his side when in truth he’s been pretty shitty about some things to me. The reason? Because he opened up my soul as I did his. We allowed each other to talk about, think, desire and finally try aspects of BDSM including certain levels of what some would call sadism. Were the situations controlled? Of course. Did we talk about after and realize we were electrified? You bet. In talking and sharing, being so open, we realized how close and deep we’d become. In doing this, our need to be with each other and share this side grew immensely.

Then he became very afraid, terrified the dark need for sadism would draw out the other man, the one who was prone to a depression level few have been able to tolerate. So he pushed back, telling me he made a choice with his desires for BDSM and he questioned every moment. Still, he’s drawn to the lifestyle. What I figured out over the past few days of intense soul searching is that we both have this need. This isn’t a choice but something our psyche craves. Now a portion of society continues to believe this isn’t good for anyone – close to abuse. Of course you know I’ve written about this. Those who make these comments simply don’t understand and I get that. I can respect to a point. What I know personally is that the day I embraced the inner girl, the submissive and one who does crave control, I was freed. John Patrick was as well.

Yes, there was a conscious choice on both of our parts to engage in activities, which allowed BDSM to come into our lives. Absolutely. However, the desire for JP was there long before he met me. I simply was the water giving the flower a way to grow and a reason as he did for me. In sharing this together, we blossomed in our vanilla lives as well as within our D/s relationship. I know in talking with other couples, this is the same for them. Embracing and nurturing isn’t easy given society, families, friends and work relationships. JP has a good friend I’ve finally been able to talk with and while he doesn’t have the same desires, he told me he knew JP had a darker side than just depression. But is the word dark really a good word to use? I’ve come to think of the need as enlightening, beautiful and very all encompassing.

I don’t know if I would ever want a relationship of this type with another man. I can’t say. I don’t think so and I believe he doesn’t either. We connected because of the people weWho Is She? are, not because of the dark needs. However those requirements bridged the surface very quickly. Is there the ability to go back to a straight vanilla life? In my opinion no. You can’t open Pandora’s Box then go back. You know when you’ve found what you’ve been searching for your entire life. You become giddy, requiring more. We need more with each other. The fact is simple. What do you think? If you really look deep inside your inner being, have you always known, just had no way of placing a label on your needs? My bet is yes.

There will be a hell of a lot of soul searching for both of us but time will tell. Let me know your thoughts.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre

 

About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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2 Responses to Is the Need for BDSM or a D/s Relationship Innate or a Choice?

  1. laurellasky says:

    A person who is pure evil is a sociopath and doesn’t have a conscious, knows right from wrong but doesn’t care. JP is definitely NOT a sociopath. He wouldn’t have all those feelings if he was. He may want to hurt you but he would not harm you.
    I still have horrific dreams but they stem from other factors. When I was at home and young I slept with homemade blackjack and knives under my pillow. I don’t know if I could use them but they made me feel safer. My father must have been a sociopath and could not stop himself. He had a locked safe which I was able to get into. He had a gun, which I would sneak into the woods and shoot it. Then I would sneak it back. I had many dreams of killing him but I couldn’t.
    You and JP have a lot of things to think about. Eventually you will get some answers.
    Meanwhile, hugs. Laurel

    Like

    • Whew is all I can say lady. You had a tough life. I had my share with my father, but I dare say not like you. John Patrick is a good soul, confused and unsure, but I trust him with all of me. I think you already know that. What he is experiencing is denial of the man he is. We all go through this and I know him better than anyone. Still, the push back is tough. I hope you’ve found your solace in life. It’s hard enough every day girl. Thank you for sharing. You always make me think.

      Like

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