Opening Up to Others about a D/s Relationship

Do you feel free about telling everyone what you enjoy, what you crave in your life? Do you feel confident enough letting everyone know who you really are? If you’re involved in a D/s relationship, have you told your family and friends? If so, how did it go?

I’ve learned over the last few months in particular just how hungry people are with regard to learning about, reading about and desiring more information about everything Domination and submission. At least the subject isn’t as taboo as it was at one time. Or is it?

I was talking with an author the other day and asked her if her family knew she wrote A Sub's initiativeerotic pieces. After a sigh she answered yes, and they weren’t very happy. Later in the conversation I asked if she was doing a blog to promote herself and again, the answer was ‘no’. I recommended that she start one and her reservation was that her family would feel increased discomfort. Keep in mind, I’ve heard this before and it’s sad. I know other authors who write in different genres who look down on erotic writers, truly thinking what we pen is nothing but porn. Even the ballsy chick that I am, I haven’t put ‘author’ on my Linkedin connection, although you can trail down in various ways and find me. I understand being cautious about allowing others to know, given the majority of people jump to conclusions when they have no idea what they’re talking about.

At least in the United States, we’re still a prudish society. I was concerned enough with my currently ugly day job about what I write I told them up front, no way I can be fired because someone doesn’t like what I write. They agreed. Does that honestly mean if push comes to shove they won’t reconsider? I have my doubts. What I write is shameful after all. I say a bit of this with tongue in cheek, but the fact remains, Americans shy away from the concept of sex.

I’ve had fairly detailed conversations with John Patrick about the D/s and BDSM lifestyle and how so many people don’t feel comfortable coming out with friends and co-workers. There are so many misnomers about BDSM and it remains so obvious given the stream of media press for the Fifty Shades movie. No one gets it. The lifestyle seems all a bit dirty. For JP, he has a very high clearance within the walls of the government and he refused to have any pictures of himself associated with D/s or our profiles on Fetlife. He truly anticipated he would never be able to regain his clearance level or even potentially be fired. For choosing to enjoy a particular lifestyle? Really? That’s America for you.

As an author, I’ve been very open with my readers and those in the publishing industry about my curiosity, my research and ultimately about my embracing my submissive side. That’s tough for so many to do. The openness also allowed me to be able to share aspects of my D/s relationship with John Patrick with others. I’ve been surprised that while there were a lot of very wide eyed people, no one condemned. In fact, many asked questions, trying their best to understand something so foreign.

I’m so glad that when I talked to his buddy the other day, he commented that he could see how the BDSM aspects had brought us closer. He mentioned His Holdhe asked JP a few things, including how JP couldn’t want more and more. As John Patrick told me the other day, he knows BDSM would come and go, even wane to a point. The D/s might be something different but certainly, as with any relationship, feelings and emotions would change along with behaviors. Fortunately his buddy told me that while he was a very vanilla person, he was fascinated by what we’d been sharing. At least he didn’t freak out. Right? That bothered JP a hell of a lot. He didn’t want to be considered a weirdo, even though he’d take a stand every day for what he believes in. Sharing with his friend helped so much.

It’s disconcerting that so many people have to hide behind a mask in order to bring in a paycheck. Still, I can understand given so few vanilla people have any real understanding about D/s. I was even reading a question in a BDSM room on FB the other day (and keep in mind this room is generally populated by people either living or at least with a taste of the lifestyle) and the question of the hour was with regards to a collar. Did a collar mean anything more than being tethered like a dog? At first I chuckled before realizing a number of people would most likely feel this way. What has been portrayed in various media representations is nothing but a thick leather collar with metal rings.

Yes, JP first purchased one of me that is made of red leather and does have a silver buckle to attach a lead. Did I equate the gift to a dog collar? Of course not. I know the difference given what he and I’ve shared. My other collar is a gorgeous piece of silver, a wonderful memory of times shared, a connection built. Do I openly tell everyone I run into who comments on the gorgeous necklace what the locked strand represents? I have told people, but I don’t go out and share the new openly. Do I feel in any way ashamed? Not in the least. For anyone who asks me honest questions, I’ll sit and talk about the lifestyle – at least what I know and how learning about the dynamics has changed me as a woman. I’m much stronger, much more reflective.

I think everyone has to face their inner fears of being made fun of during different aspects of our lives over the years. There really isn’t a difference as we grow older. I don’t think JP would have expressed his desire to explore BDSM with me if I hadn’t placed the tidbit of information on my profile. Well, that and a picture of me with a whip in my mouth pretty much did the trick LOL. The flogger started a conversation and when he realized I was serious, he started opening up about his needs. He felt safe in letting go with me.

Being safe talking to anyone is very important. With being made fun of a hell of a lot as a child, I didn’t want my adulthood to be a cesspool of assholes. I also don’t care aboutelevator what other people say about me. The dichotomy is fascinating. Do I worry? The only reason I do at all is simply because I need to support myself with an ugly day job. Otherwise, I don’t have any issues.

How did you tell the ones you loved about any aspect that might be very difficult for you? Were you able to come right out and talk easily? Remember that people are very afraid of what they don’t know, have never tried and aren’t willing to. First and foremost I’m so very glad I was able to share everything with John Patrick. My ability to do so made us so much stronger and no matter what happens in life, the deep connection will always be there. The connection alone allowed me to be truthful to others.

Think about all the times you wanted to tell someone, but were terrified. When you finally did, weren’t you finally at peace?

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
This entry was posted in BDSM, Domestic Discipline, Domination and submission, Spanking and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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