Hiding in Plain Sight While Living in a D/s Relationship

Do you hide portions of your life, even from yourself? Do you fear confiding in your best friend or lover about a secret desire, one he or she might think far too kinky or worse? I think we all do. We become involved in our routines and maintaining the persona we are that we forget to let go and enjoy life. I loathe not being completely me, but the fact of life is, few can.

Life has certainly been difficult as of late, both personally and professionally. I’m embarking on several new aspects of my life, and pretty much everything I know is rocky. A single touchAs the real girl, I’m actually looking at the possibility of a new job and as such, I had to think about my Internet presence. As you well know, once you’re out there in written format, you’re always going to be there, every aspect in blazing color. No matter how you try and delete or destroy information, there’s always a way to retrieve. Sometimes, when you post a blog or a You tube video, as you know, the information goes viral. When it’s also shared, well, there is little you can do to pull back the beast.

Being an erotic writer is one thing and in truth, there are many people who look at the kind of writing as just a step above porn. For various conservative groups, being associated with someone who writes such smut is akin to being hooked up with the Devil. Right? I laugh and it’s all a bit tongue in cheek, however perceptions can be detrimental to many. So, I try and keep my profile and Cass separate from the real girl as much as possible. That’s not always easy. Given Bethany, the real girl, is also the Managing Director of two Imprint lines with Booktrope, a company she’s also going to have her books written as Cass with, well you can see the quandary.

Now, add in the fact I hold nothing back in my writing about the D/s lifestyle in my books and blogs, including what I’ve shared with John Patrick… What I realized years ago was that people will always gossip and question, look down upon those who live a lifestyle they can’t understand. I don’t shy away from letting people see the real me with a huge majority of my life, including my values and beliefs. Everyone has them. I can’t tolerate prejudice or bigotry, but there will always be aspects of the damning idiocies in our lives. You simply can’t get away from intolerance and ignorance.

I happened upon another blog site where they were talking about couples involved in a D/s lifestyle and how they literally were hiding. I started thinking about this, realizing how sad the concept is. You really have to hide in front of family and friends? You have to pretend you’re something you’re not. I think a more positive terminology is a requirement for a balancing act. One of the many conversations John Patrick and I have had centered around how easy it is for so many to maintain the status quo, maintain the norm. Within regard to sharing any kind of a relationship with another, you’re already juggling to stay afloat. Just because you’re in a D/s relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t required to maintain various responsibilities.

D/s couples have a very vanilla side. Are rules imposed around various aspects of behavior even though the act or attribute might be based in creamy white vanilla? You bet. Very few people I know don’t have to pay bills. If one of your rules is not to over spend, are you going to tell your best gal pal your Dom imposed this rule and if broken you’re going to receive a spanking?

Well, I suppose the argument could be that if she were such a good friend, why doesn’t she know you’re a submissive? The simple answer? To keep the A Submissives_s Prayerpeace. I have no issue sparring with my BFF about men, assholes, wretched bosses, asshole men (LOL) and almost any other subject. While she knows the inner girl, she doesn’t understand and believes women should be equal. We agree to disagree. But we’re friends. What happens if the person who finds out is determined to tell your dirty little secret? What then?

That’s certainly something John Patrick has worried about, not with his best friend of course. I’ve already told you that his buddy kinda thinks the whole BDSM and D/s adventure JP and I have been on is cool. He continues to ask a few questions and when I tease him, I can hear the glitch in his voice or see the hesitation in his texting. Finding the right come back can be difficult! I’ve asked JP, why worry so much? His answer is always simple, the knowledge could ruin his career, create rifts with various family members, even potentially taking away a significant portion of his livelihood. In know, at what price happiness. Should this be the case? Well, of course not, but in a country where bullies still exist and thrive, I certainly understand the notion of hiding in plain sight.

So we do as Dom’s and submissives. I’ve told maybe three people (other than the thousands on my blog of course) that my gorgeous silver choker is actually a collar. I suppose that’s on a ‘need to know’ basis. I laugh at times given the people I work with are so ultra conservative. I made the mistake of using the term ‘flogger’ in the office I think two or three times and you’d have thought I killed and skinned a pig. People were so incensed. Really? I’ve actually opened about the author to a select few as well, although my bosses know. Now you can see why. Burning at the cross may still occur.

I continue to carry a butt plug in my purse, one with a shiny jeweled end. Have there been times I’ve pulled out the velvet bag while looking for something else, all in front of a co-worker. You bet, but I’m not going to pull the silver plug out and swirl it in the air – although I’ve been damn tempted. I’d love to yank their chains, sully their horizons so to speak. But I don’t and why? To keep the peace. I have enough strife at work as it is. My job is very stressful, hence the desire to change. The last thing I want to do is add additional tension. So, I remain quiet and share very little about myself.

JP is very much the same way. His buddy was telling me the others he works with see him as a dark guy, but no one has any understanding of the man inside. JP very much stands on the fringe, his observations spot on. He doesn’t want others to know his business – or so he says. The happiest he’s ever been has been when he felt safe enough Evocative oneto share the joys of our D/s journey. He keeps his secret locked tightly away, often in the very same compartment and box he slips me into.

Is this any different than in a vanilla relationship? Not really. We all have secrets, worries and fears we keep locked away from others. The gut wrenching anxiety of being ridiculed or chastised prevents so many of us from being ourselves. Still, I suppose practicality must come into play. Without the job and bills being paid, you wouldn’t have the house to live in and share your journey. Everyone wears a mask from time to time. There’s no way of avoiding. I only hope you can rip away the mask to yourself and your partner. JP and I know all the good and ugly about each other – and think of it – we’re still talking! LOL. Find someone you can be yourself with. Hiding in plain sight might be okay. Hiding forever isn’t.

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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4 Responses to Hiding in Plain Sight While Living in a D/s Relationship

  1. Laurel Lasky says:

    i understand very well in regards to hiding. I’ve just finished a book (my first) with my co writer. She is a well known author who uses a pen name. I decided to play it semi safe and am using part of my name. For your info it’s Laurel Jane. I also set up an email account under that name. I’ve heard so many horror stories about authors being bullied, sent hate mail. 1 star reviews. It’s really scary. I’m thrilled that we have submitted it so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it is accepted. It’s a spanking, romantic thriller. I’ll keep you posted. Love and hugs, Laurel


    • Congratulations! I’m so excited for you and take this book and energy and be happy and proud. I am in no way want you to think I’m not happy doing what I do and sharing the journey with JP – I just have to be cautious. Please let me know how I can help!!!


  2. I know a lot of people who hide the fact they write erotica. They don’t want people in their church to find out, or their children’s school, or family, etc. I get that. But when you’re referring to sex and kink, I don’t think it’s really anyone’s business what I’m into. I don’t need my friends to know I like being whipped or that I’m bi or into dominating male slaves. People’s sex lives are their own personal business. If someone wants to talk about sex with me I’m certainly not shy, but I also don’t feel repressed in any way because I can’t/won’t wear a T-shirt that states: I Love to be Spanked.

    So with all due respect I’m not sure what you mean by not being able to be oneself. Even if I was living the lifestyle 24/7, I sure in the hell wouldn’t want to discuss my sexual proclivities with my family at the dinner table or work colleagues for that matter, nor do I feel it’s ever appropriate to do so.


    • Tiffany – the truth is many authors as well as those in a D/s relationship simply never tell anyone about what they do. They can’t share their writing. They simply don’t talk about it. I’m not suggesting anyone sit and say – hey, the new flogger hurt like hell on my naked ass last night. I’m talking about generalities, where you might be able to have a conversation with your brother on why you decided to take the D/s journey. That is very real for me.


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