Continuing in a D/s Lifestyle…Dealing with Mental Anguish

Is there anguish in a D/s relationship? Of course there is. I don’t know of any relationship in which one or the other partner doesn’t suffer from bouts of anxiety or actual moments of raw depression. I’ve talked about John Patrick’s dark sides before. He’s stifled often by what he believes to be hereditary depression. I can usually pull him out by talking to him, allowing him time to open up and share his pain, but often he retreats into long periods of self reflection. I honestly don’t believe he should suffer My Handsalone, but at times he assures me he has to process through his doubts and fears his way. That’s a tough pill for this chick to learn.

He reminds me often my big brain is my best feature as well as my worst enemy. I’ve thought about this recently with regards to my own bouts of worry and fear. I’m not unlike any other woman, who worries she’s not good enough or can’t work fast enough. Let’s face it, life is full of strife and difficulties, often crippling us into believing we aren’t who we thought we were or should be. That’s fairly normal. When these concerns grip every aspect of who we are, often dragging us into the pits of personal hell, we question everything.

Working through problems and issues as they develop can test the best of us, driving us to the breaking point. What I’ve noticed in sharing this journey with JP is that the joy is often shadowed by our worries. We’ve adjusted to the changing face of who we are, but not without reservations. Can we do this? Do we have what it takes to fight off the outside forces that seem to try at every turn to force us apart? I don’t have the answer at this moment, only a belief in our love. Tests are often. Karma is a bitch – a real bitch.

In talking with other couples, I’ve noticed one of the partners is usually darker in nature, whether because of a harmful past or growing concerns about what they’re sharing. How do you deal with this? I’m no expert in anything. I’ll never say that I am, but I do know for me, I have to find a way to express my anxiety. Women tend to cry when they’re over stressed. I know I do. I’ve cried tears to the point I find breathing difficult. Was I always this way? That’s another good question, one I’ve had to face these past few months. What I’ve come to the conclusion about is that I masked my true personality to the point I was able to abate the pain, push aside many of my fears. This isn’t necessarily a good thing. Why? Because by placing the tight mask around you, you’re able to thwart the realities of who you are.

bw in his handsYou might think, this isn’t such a bad thing, but in truth I believe it is. D/s is a very emotional journey, or as least should be in my humble opinion. You can’t learn to submit or dominate anyone without facing your greatest fears, the very person bottled up inside. Try as you may, there’s no way of hiding your true personality when you’re so open, vulnerable. Being open is the key to allowing your inner psyche to be set free. This can be said about every vanilla relationship, however how many couples do you know who will share everything with each other? You tend to keep little secrets, certainly bite your tongue when you aren’t happy about rather tiny issues that arise in the course of sharing a life together.

For me, experiencing the highs and lows in this journey with JP has brought out a very different side of both of us. I can’t say I’m thrilled all the time, given the amount of tears shed. What I can relate is that I’ve never been more open with anyone in my life, baring my inner soul. Yes, I’ve questioned lately whether this is wise, but I continually tell those considering the lifestyle this is the very thing you must do. You have to open up, shed your guilt and the aspects of your life you’ve kept locked in a box. This can be more difficult than you can imagine. I know everything about JP, or as he likes to say, I’ve learned every wart. Do I stand back and wonder whether I’m strong enough to deal with his emotions? Of course. Does he do the same? You bet.

We’re complex people, both given our respective lives and the fact we’re older, I suppose set in our ways. You learn to deal with what’s around you and when you walk a completely different path, you’re forced to face certain ugliness that can be relationship threatening. What you have to do is learn to deal with the mental anguish. This is much more powerful than any physical pain.

In previous blogs, I’ve mentioned one reason I crave his discipline is because I can rid myself of these inner, very dark fears. I let go, even for a little bit of time, my personal demons, ones threatening to rise up and grab me around the throat. Of course this is highly unconventional thinking for vanilla couples. I completely understand, but this works for many couples involved in D/s or DD. Letting go is an important part of being a submissive, but remember the Dom’s side as well. His release of pent of emotions is just as vital to the health of your relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that every couple deal with any issue in their relationship by pulling out a belt or a whip. Of course not, but for some, this is an effective method – for both.

I’ve seen JP after a round of discipline and for days he’s much more centered, grounded in his understanding as well as acceptance discipline is a practice that works for us. We’re much closer, our minds and souls in sync. This closeness spurns additional conversations that are very open, wide open in fact. He’s very open about how worried he’s become on various levels and our discussions don’t center around whether or not he’s a good Dom or I’ve the perfect submissive. We talk work, financial burdens, family issues and everything in between.

I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself over these last few months. I know he has as well.

Is my big brain an issue? Most definitely. As creative as my imaginative mind is, myTake me Sir brain and the thoughts in my head run wild. I invent worries, which muddles my focus. I told him yesterday I was having difficulty writing about D/s on my blogs and we both pondered why. I think because I suddenly began to relate every aspect to what he and I are going through. Life is fluid, whether D/s or vanilla. That’s something I struggle to remember. As he likes to remind me, we have to take it a day at a time or his favorite expression, ‘keeping it real, babe’. He’s right of course. He grounds me with reminders as I allow his mind to soar, ask questions that would seem very odd to those sitting around a dinner table. This is just one of the reasons we connect so deeply.

So where do you go if there’s anguish in your relationship? You have to delve deep inside, into your psyche to determine why. Tougher than you might believe. I’ve come to realize I know enough about myself to create concerns, but… I’ve also accepted the woman inside. Is she perfect? Hell no. Am I the best submissive? Another resounding no, but with each day the joys outweigh the inner beast, the one scratching at the surface. Whether you’re in a vanilla relationship or one involving aspects of D/s, truly communicating is the best method of defense against the darkness threatening to steal your very soul. Send the kids to a babysitter, unplug every machine, including the television, and just talk. Most importantly, don’t lie to yourself or your partner. You’ll be surprised how enlightening the moment will be.

Thoughts for the day…

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
This entry was posted in BDSM, Domestic Discipline, Domination and submission, Spanking and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Continuing in a D/s Lifestyle…Dealing with Mental Anguish

  1. Wonderful article, Cassandre. The piece is not only in depth and strong, but it’s relatable to any reader. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. And as for the elements of anxiety and the need for discussion, I not only agree, but completely understand.


    • Thank you very much. I enjoy bringing my journey to my readers. D/s is a powerful relationship and I’m so glad I can share aspects in a way people understand. Thank you so much for commenting.


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