Are men stronger than women emotionally? Hmm… My quick answer is not a chance. Why? Because many of them never learned or embraced the ability to open up completely with another human. Whether as a child they were told to ‘suck it up’ and ‘men don’t cry’, so many men I know show zippo expression during the most horrific of times. This isn’t good for any relationship, but one involving D/s, holding back and holding in will ultimately destroy the trust you’d worked tirelessly to build between you.
We all have fears and concerns about who we are. There isn’t a single person on this planet who doesn’t worry about various aspect of their lives and the person they are inside. Even outwardly confident people have a few worries. Longing to please is an integral portion of the majority of us and this begins with presenting the very person you are. For many of us, we hide behind masks, preferring never to show our true identities because of fear of retribution. I know as an author, I have to pretend to be somebody else often. There are various people around me who simply don’t understand the fact I’m an erotic writer. They judge. No one likes to be judged ever. Even small bouts of basic criticism can bring about a rash. For women, they tend to lash out, spewing off at the mouth and for the majority of us, we continue speaking, acting, being who we are.
Men are completely different. They’re often very quiet, preferring to bottle up their emotions, at times even with friends and family. I’m been around many men who have an incredibly difficult time expressing their deep seeded needs, wants or fears to anyone for any reason. They prefer holding everything inside, as if not talking about the problem will help the situation go away. What I’ve noticed is that often, their little red wagon becomes full then a simple issue will come up and they explode.
John Patrick and I have had many a long discussion about his tendency to bury everything very deeply into a black box. The padlock is thick and rusty. He’s mentioned he’s always been this way. He stands on the outside and observes. While being a consummate observer can be an incredible trait, the attribute can also lead to loneliness and solitude, which in turn leads to keeping everything bottled up. He’s very much the brooding type of a guy. One look into his gorgeous big brown eyes and you truly see a haunted man.
I’ve been lucky enough to have broken down so many of his self-imposed walls. There is little he can’t or won’t discuss with me, including trepidation about the D/s lifestyle. He worries constantly he’s not a strong enough Dom, or one with enough characters or integrity. He often comments he doesn’t believe he’s capable of separating the darkness from the light. Meaning, he’s truly terrified of becoming a sadist, one unable to turn back the clock. This is perhaps his greatest fear, but of course he had several.
He’s worried about what others would say if they found out he prefers a D/s lifestyle, including friends who have known him for years. He’s worried the D/s will run its course. Then can the relationship survive? He’s frustrated he can’t delve as deeply into learning through blogs, forums and books. He worries he’ll hurt me in a way I will never forgive him. He ultimately worries I’ll end up hating him. Then he hates the fact he’s worrying.
For any of the men who are Dom’s or considering becoming one – this is natural. That’s the first thing you have to understand. For everyone contemplating switching from a vanilla relationship to a D/s or M/s, questions and concerns have to be raised every once in a while. Men seem to believe they must be the strong one of the couple, whether vanilla or D/s. They often remain stodgy and emotionless with a life altering occurrence, preferring to square their shoulders and take whatever life throws at them. I’ve seen John Patrick this way, however I’ve also seen him crumble emotionally. To this day he doesn’t remember some conversations, meetings, bouts of tears etc. that happened at the end of the year. If you’ve read my blogs, you know the couple of months were incredibly painful. For me, I had to spew at least to point, but in looking back, I realized how much I held inside. The entire situation was like being sucked into a vacuum. This is the first time that’s ever happened to me. From what I’ve learned from John Patrick, this is his normal method of handling pain or fear – he shuts down.
He only vaguely remembers certain discussions we’ve had because he was so distraught over his fears of the unknown, he caved. Every once in a while I sit back and shake my head. This big strapping guy, all six foot five of him, lost several months of his life I’m not certain he’ll ever get back and why? Because he lost the trust within himself to be able to open up to me – or to anyone for that matter. He shut down his emotions, locked up his ability to communicate and that key may never be found. I thought he was perhaps the strongest man alive. He is, but he’s like the rest of us, ridden with worries about the future in every regard. What does this do for the submissive? We shut down our trust level. We push back against their level of authority as an effort to try and get them to talk. This doesn’t work for someone like JP. He gives me that blank look or worse.
I learned a long time ago not to push him, but this is my tendency. He shuts down further, the big black hole absorbing all of him. Does this type of behavior actually help him? He continues to say so, but given there are still various topics he holds back on, I’m not so certain. I know him – remember the brooding man – he’s far too fake happy and I worry that will lead to an absolute meltdown. You can’t run from your fears. You have to learn to embrace and push through the difficulties. They’re been a few times I’ve wanted to call him a coward.
For weeks he couldn’t read my blogs, listen to songs we shared, open the emails with poems I’d written him. This isn’t the kind of behavior women can tolerate, especially submissives.
I began questioning every aspect of our relationship, including my total trust in him. I had to pull back because my emotions were far too overwhelming, dragging me into a private prison. Of course things are much better now, but will I ever forget how he shut me out? No. Will I ever have the same level of trust again? Honestly, I’m not certain. I question so much about me because of the incident that I found myself being a bit closed off to the world. Perhaps that’s my healing mechanism. Hard to tell.
For men who are determined to become a Dominant, I recommend you take a hard look in the mirror, become very reflective for at least a period of time before you commit to your wife or submissive. You have to realize the journey you’re about to enter into will be fraught with worry, trepidation and various questions about whether you’re out of your mind, are the right person, or whether you’re on the right track. Again, this is completely natural, however you have to talk with your submissive every step in your journey. The more you open up to her, the more she’s going to embrace her own vulnerability and wrap her mind around the high level of trust needed.
Building trust takes significant time. Breaking trust can happen in a snap.
My thoughts for the day…
Kisses and spanks…