Can he or she be the love of your life? Can or should you share vanilla romance? The answer to all three is that it simply depends on the kind of relationship you share. For me? I could never trust a Dominant or submit without feeling some sort of passion. That’s just the woman I am inside. I’ve talked with many submissives, who have always felt the innate need to serve another human, more importantly a Dominant figure. This of course could mean a female in the dominating role, but for my purposes of this blog, we’re going to talk about a man’s journey.
There are many rather traditional couples that share playtime or various aspects of BDSM, but this is a selected time then they shut this portion of their life down as regular takes over. Over time, they may enjoy to the point the woman takes on more of a submissive role. I’ve talked to several couples in which adding kink during portions of their relaxation time truly strengthened their world as a couple. However, when they either returned back home or came out of the playroom, they were equal partners again. This might work beautifully for you and certainly a first step if you’re considering a D/s or M/s relationship. What is the difference? I’m certain there are various technical definitions, here goes mine and again, I’m talking m/f today.
Dominant/submissive – the male is the dominant figure in the relationship, while the submissive follows his lead and rules that both have determined and agreed upon, he is the one in charge. The couple usually has a vanilla life outside of the household and may share various vanilla aspects, but the submissive does serve the man and his desires. Master/slave – While both may have a life outside of what they share together, she is more as a servant to her Master. They may have discussed various rules and protocol, but he is the ultimate decision maker. From what I’ve seen, the slave truly has limited or no say, and performs many basic tasks for the man such as all the cleaning, laundry, serving his sexual appetites etc. Many a slave is treated much more like a thing than a person. Some are houses in cages when their Master is away or forced to sleep on the floor. That’s not to say the woman isn’t powerful in her vanilla life. More women of influence tend to gravitate toward either lifestyle than you might imagine.
Are these relationships established before choosing the lifestyle? D/s – very often. M/s? That’s an interesting question. Many slaves believe in their souls they were born to serve and little else. Do you then fall in love and also decide to be a slave to the man you marry? Interesting question, don’t you think?
John Patrick has enjoyed talking with other D/s and M/s couples. His thoughts have always been the more he can learn the better Dom he’ll be – goes back to the concept of his internal fears about being good enough. He met a woman who described herself as aggressive and very controlling in business. She holds a PhD and runs a major company. She also described herself as a slave and had known and embraced the fact since she was a little girl. They talked over coffee, shared several emails and about a month later, she sent him a slave contract. She told him in no uncertain terms she’d like to become his slave. Really? I had to tell you I was taken aback and when he asked me what I thought, tears were brought to my eyes.
Why? Because I was already in love with him and couldn’t imagine sharing at that moment in time with another woman – even if her only goal was to serve him, not love him. This is the first time I realized there is a mindset of people who want to serve or to be served and they simply don’t have any time nor give any value to emotions to any degree. There will be no date nights or wine shared during a sunset. There isn’t a time when you fall madly in love and the longing to serve hits another plateau. The contract is perfunctory in nature.
This is the second within myself I realized I’m not this kind of girl. I had been vacillating about whether or not I was a slave or submissive. After that very bright and sunny May day, I knew. I have to have a portion of the relationship I share as vanilla based or I could never fully trust and serve a man/Dom. Could I experience play time with another Dom that I trusted for a night? Maybe. However, JP certainly doesn’t want to share with another man.
As a man contemplating the lifestyle, what are your thoughts? Do you have this deep-seeded need to be in control, long to have a single woman or a flock of them serve you in whatever method you desire? Or, are you sharing a life with a beautiful lady and your relationship has in a sense gravitated toward a simple D/s situation given certain circumstances. These could be an acceptance that full equality isn’t working for you and your relationship is suffering. Perhaps your lovely bride has actually admitted she no longer wants any control in the life you share. Then there’s the side few men talk about other than jokingly with their buddies.
Your previous and current or recently ex relationships haven’t worked at all. You can’t breathe given the strangulation you feel, however you want to share a close bond with another woman. What do you do then? This is where I think so many men fall into the doldrums of life. Sometimes this might be categorized as a mid-life crisis, but in truth I believe it’s a moment of clarity and self-realization. You’ve finally embraced the man you are inside, yet you have absolutely zero clue what to do with the knowledge.
Do you see yourself in this position? Is your marriage suffering because all you do is argue, tug for the commanding position? Do you have cravings of taking over? Even had a thought of disciplining her for her bratty mouth at minimum? On the flip side, do you stop and take a look at her every once in a while and smile, knowing she’s your wife, the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth? This is all about passion – for love and life. You crave the intimacy few men seem to be able to discuss, while needing – requiring – the concept of equality to change completely. This is when you really need to be introspective, discover the man inside.
John Patrick is worried he’s a sadist because he has always had this very complexity of thoughts. He accepted a long time ago he had to be the dominant partner, but actualizing the concept is entirely another issue. Ask yourself about your current relationship. Will she talk with you – not to you – with you about your desires? Can she be open minded enough to truly share your inner thoughts? Many men are going to be unsure, scoff at the idea, but you know yourself, the man hiding behind the mask. You know what you require to be whole and if you aren’t getting what you need in your household, you will find it somewhere else, even for a short period of time.
Accepting is the first aspect of making a change. Embracing is the second because you have to begin to understand your personal demands. Passion will always be in your soul. If she’s the love of your life, share with her your greatest fears, the desires that have burned within you for years, perhaps decades. Give her the chance to open up to you. You might be surprised where the open communication will take you with regards to your passion – not just as a lover, but as a man.
Kisses and spanks…