I don’t know too many men who like to hit women. If you know of any, run far away. Fortunately, mama’s all across the world instill in their baby boys that hitting women is a huge NO. Young men learn at an early age to respect women, no matter how ugly arguments can be in their various relationships. Women, on the other hand, have learned an art of slapping, hitting or all out punching their guy. You’ve heard plenty of stories where couples are estranged after the woman hit back, including using any method such as a frying pan. I laughed the other day when I heard a report on the local news that a wife was arrested for assault. I know I shouldn’t laugh about this, as any form of abuse isn’t a laughing matter, but using a skillet to smack her husband over the head? Really? I guess she gets points in some lala land for creativity. Again, I will NEVER condone abuse of any kind, but if you don’t chuckle as to what relationships have come to… Here’s the crux within a D/s relationship. Perhaps you and your wife have decided to entire into the lifestyle and this will include various forms of discipline. For many couples, spankings are the preferred method. I’ve written many a blog about various punishment methods. Spanking is still the most talked about and from what I’ve read and the people I’ve talked to, growing in popularity. Given the majority of men subscribe to the concept you don’t hit women, how do they learn to be effective disciplinarians?
Daunting question. When John Patrick and I talked the first time about his desire to be in control, naturally the subject came up in our conversation. His mother was firm, but told him early on women were to be revered and that when he married, there would be fights, but never raise a hand. For any of you who’ve read my blogs, you know that his “dark side” has an intense need for domination over a woman. While he wasn’t afraid of the concept of using physical aspects for punishment and control, he questioned his need to do so. I suspect every Dom, particularly those who lived a vanilla life in the beginning, struggle with the mere thought, let alone wrapping their brains around performing the act. If they don’t, every submissive should question their motives as well as their desires. Remember, there’s a clear distinction between spanking because the submissive breaks a rule versus whipping or flogging just to hit out of the need for fulfilling his sadistic tendencies. Yes, there are various fine lines.
For men who ponder why they have an innate need to punish their wife, significant other or submissive, I hope they allow deep reflection. In talking with John Patrick, we explored his needs, my own to succumb to as well as hunger for longing for a firm hand. He was reticent at first and very concerned he would hurt me. A very knowledgeable Dom told me up front during our first meeting that he would hurt me during sessions, but would never harm me. I’ve never forgotten his frank words or the meaning behind them. He explained very carefully that he’d stretch my limits, but that he’d know them. This required him learning about the woman inside as well as the look of my skin during a whipping. Now, his needs went far beyond the concept of true discipline. He was and no doubt will always be a sadist so sessions were about fulfilling his desires, as well as mine. However, the concept is the same. He realized when I was unable to take even a single additional strike.
The limited time I spent with him taught me many things about the woman I am inside and I developed a deeper longing to have a controlling Dom. However, I also realized while some might consider me a pain monger (those craving pain to reach a heightened level of sense or what call subspace) this isn’t what I was or am longing for. I simply want a man who is dominant and when I break the rules I receive needed punishment.
When JP embraced the fact he could control all the questions and concerns in his mind, he was able to fall into the role of being an excellent disciplinarian. He learned quickly that anger has zero place in methods of punishment. Even though he’s been frustrated with me, unhappy and disappointed, he never used his belt or any other implement in anger. He calmed down and we talked about the reasons I needed to be punished.
For men who are just entering this place within the lifestyle, this must be a concern. Men have to look within themselves as to their needs to be a tough taskmaster while remaining the prevalent dominating force with love, training and encouragement. Men who desire or accept the role of Dom can’t take this lightly and disciplining of any kind is a huge responsibility. If your Dom or Head of Household doesn’t question his thoughts, methods, desires, concerns, then you as a couple aren’t ready to move forward in this regard.
As with all other aspects of the D/s journey, both of you have to talk about how using discipline is going to fit within your new relationship. How can you go from basic equality where neither or you admit to being wrong to something else entirely? Time, communication, honesty, time, discussions… You get my drift. What I can tell you without hesitation is that when the man truly steps up to the plate, admitting he believes discipline for rules infractions within the household is a positive move – the step is huge. For a woman, wife or submissive to also acknowledge, accept, and desire punishment is profound within a relationship.
In talking with many couples, who made the move into either domestic discipline or D/s, they’ve told me separately and together they were terrified of the change. They both feared what might happen and if the shift would destroy their relationship. What the majority express is that when the man accepts his role as being in charge, they moved to another plateau, respect and understanding increasing ten fold. They talked more, passion returning, and there was a renewed balance they’d never had before.
However, the first step for the man is to take time to break down the walls they’ve been taught since early childhood. Spanking your wife or girlfriend is entirely different. Men have to accept this innately, without question. This is tougher than you might think. For my male readers, imagine taking your wife over your knee for the first time, spanking her naked ass for several minutes. You see the red marks, welts developing. My guess if you’ll feel guilty, afraid of what you’re doing. You will probably question whether you’re a bad husband, or worse, a monster. I’ve heard this before.
For the wife or submissive, learning to submit for the first time is terrifying and the raw emotions have zero to do with the pain aspect. Spankings are supposed to hurt. They are also meant to draw you closer together as a couple. They are a clear shift in control as well as the fine line between right and wrong. When administered as intended, spankings are a powerful tool. When they’re done in vanity or simply out of usurping authority, they will never work. Now that you’ve both determined discipline is a necessity, what do you do? Sit down once again and talk about limitations, the aspect of when spankings are needed, and how they’ll be administered. Expectations are a part of every method of discipline.
Never forget this is about the two of you. Men who embrace their dominating needs are much happier as women are in realizing they are able to let go emotionally during a spanking. There’s nothing to be afraid of, no worries or fears, as long as you’re both doing this for the reasons you decide together. Communication – never forget this is the very key to strengthening your relationship.
I hope you’ve enjoyed.
Kisses and needed spanks…