Anger. We all experience bouts of frustration, dread, fear and rage in our lives. Sometimes we act out in tantrums. Other times we bottle up our emotions, pretending they don’t exist, until they boil over. Explosions occur within every relationship. We yell, coddle, snark, snipe and push buttons often JUST to garner a reaction from our partner. Whether plates or other implements are thrown or the argument ends in utter silence, there’s never a good feeling when couples fight. There’s also usually nothing gained but a release.
For men, they tend to bottle up their anger, holding every thought and worry deep inside. Granted, there are many abusive men out there who simply explode at any irritation, but the men I’ve known, including John Patrick, hold everything locked away. They decide they can’t deal.
Sadness. This is another raw emotion that can hit us hard, without warning, or stay prolonged turning into depression. Loss of a loved one or pet, being terminated from a job, a friend who turns away in anger will bring moments, days or months of sadness. I’ve been men crumple away, burn themselves out before seeking help or support from any of their friends or family. I have a dear male friend whose wife left him for another man. He was literally as destroyed as I’ve ever seen and it’s been well over sixteen months since the initial news hit his system. He refused to eat for months on end, slept little and of course lost weight. The physical signs were and continue to be wretched, but the man and his soul changing to a dark and solemn man are much worse.
I’ve had a life changing experience with accepting a new position closer to my home. That’s pushed JP and I further away from each other. I was in tears on Friday leaving the old job and couldn’t help but express my sadness. The moment felt like another death of us. His words – the same ones he repeated to me in the same inflection – Richmond has phone service. Really? Hey, I know this but… This is his way of avoiding. I finally asked him point blankly if he cared or was hurt by the fact I was going further away. He did comment that my leaving hurt him, that there was so much hurt all the way around, but very quickly after I was allowed a glimpse inside the man, he shut down once again. All of sudden he sent me some goofy picture as if shoving away any emotions.
He’s very good at locking the black box, pretending he isn’t miserable. I can always tell of course exactly what he’s thinking merely by looking into his big, brown eyes, but why should I have to? Why can’t he open up? Fear – his terror that allowing me into all the nooks and crannies I’ll see all of him and maybe hate. There is no difference in dealing with anger within any relationship. If you bottle up the emotion, resentment slithers in tickling the anger until it erupting into rage.
Within the world of D/s, men are going to face both difficult emotions during the course of the time spent with their partner. They are men first and Dom’s second, but in my mind, the responsibility a Dom has to not only deal with but share his emotions are heightened. A Dom must maintain his own personal control in order to garner the submissive’s trust and respect. He has to show her his strength in spirit and heart in order for her to be able to let go, however he also must allow her to see his vulnerable side.
Men – think about your current relationship. Do you find that when you share with your significant other perhaps worry about work or concern about your future that you’re closer? Take the flip side. When you stop talking, sharing anything, don’t the arguments increase? I think you know the answers. A Dom must have the comfort level to open up. In order to do so he needs to spend time in deep reflection, perhaps asking questions. Why do I want to be a Dom? How can I provide what she needs? Am I strong enough to guide her through our journey? These can be much more daunting than you might realize. Dom’s take on a heady responsibility when they move into a D/s relationship.
Being very open is, in my opinion, the only way two people can grow within the lifestyle. When JP and I began our journey, we were very open to exploration, but we didn’t know each other very well. We had no idea what buttons to push if we were aggravated, nor did we know what deep seeded sadness lurked in the shadows. We honestly just talked about anything and everything via the phone and texts and our time spent together. The subject matter didn’t matter. When we both realized we were interested in experiencing more of the D/s lifestyle, we naturally fell into learning more about each other.
He needed to learn about my limits, not only physically but mentally as well. How in the world could he train or guide me without knowing the woman inside? In truth, I didn’t know all about the woman I’d pushed into a box for decades. Only by talking about what would be considered vanilla topics did we relax enough to move to the darker side. Only by understanding the man and all his delicate intricacies, his concerns and fears, was I able to give him my full trust. On the flip side, by sharing my raw emotions he was able to relax, set free some of his demons. This strengthened our bond.
When was the last time you sat down with your lady and just talked to each other, not at each other? I’m not talking about the basic ‘how was your day’ that tends to roll us into rather droll conversations. When did you honestly pick a topic that either thrills, titillates or pisses you off and ask for her opinion? My bet is it’s been a very long time. You not only have to talk. You must be willing to open up about your angers, worries, fears and trepidations in order for any aspect to work.
Talking is a key, but self reflection must be done before you can open up. Doms must be comfortable in their own skin. Anger will rise up from the boughs and must be suppressed. Sadness will threaten to overtake what you’ve developed together. You can’t let this happen. Doms must pull back, take time for themselves in order to know what to do when situations arise. Letting go of the raw emotions will give you the strength that you need as a Dom, both in taking control and in letting go. The journey is powerful and so are the emotions evoked. Never take them for granted.
Kisses and spanks…