Domination. The word itself can evoke a myriad of strong emotions. For many, the word constitutes a relationship involving abuse. For others, the concept is a peaceful understanding of one’s self. We all know the kind of people we are deep inside, whether we want to admit it or not. We learned early as a child whether we were a leader or a follower. We knew that we wanted to be top dog, or were happy to hide in the periphery, remaining a shadow. From what I’ve seen, there are far more followers in this world, happy to jump on any bandwagon. Pick a subject and too many people, who have zero idea what they are fighting for or against, rally behind a supposed leader in order to make themselves feel important. Isn’t this a sad state of the world?
Domination within an alternative lifestyle is something else entirely. However, accepting this innate knowledge isn’t easy for everyone. Perhaps they’ve never been a leader before, but know they will thrive living in a Dominant/submissive relationship. So many people not only do not understand, but also refuse to explore the truth as well as the joyous possibilities. Why? Because so many humans can’t handle an upset in the apple cart. Few like change and prefer the comfort of simply living a day-to-day life just the way they’ve always known, or were taught. Anything outside the box and they balk, rage against the machine. Hmmm…
I had a girlfriend recently text me. She wanted to know if I could find her a particular flogger. I almost choked given she’s ultra conservative and I never knew she had any interest in the D/s lifestyle in any capacity. After chatting with her for a few minutes, I realized she is a bit of a closet Domme. She has a guy she’s interested in and he needs to be taught ‘how to be a good boy’. What our conversation reaffirmed is that there are scores of people interested in various aspects of BDSM. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Many involved in BDSM are our PTA moms, doctors, mayors and the attorney we see occasionally for our business practices. There are scores of law enforcement and judges who frequent BDSM clubs. There are many couples who frequent vacation sites catering to BDSM. Now, my firend knows she has no real knowledge of the lifestyle or practices and needs to learn, but her eagerness was rewarding to hear.
Why? Because so many men and women I’ve talked to who are either considering or delving into D/s are terrified. I give her props for even talking with me. Of course there are so many misnomers in this great world of ours about the lifestyle. Too many think this is about abuse or condoning some aspect of terrible acts. Hogwash. Get an education folks. D/s is a loving, nurturing and passionate sharing of two or more souls. I’ve been asked my many people about what they should do in expressing their needs and desires. First of all, anyone considering must learn by reading and talking to others who have been in the lifestyle for years. More importantly, anyone who craves changing from a traditional vanilla style relationship to D/s or DD (domination and submission or domestic discipline) has to look inside, embrace the person within. This is something I’ve written about before.
JP told me some time ago that living a D/s lifestyle is a choice, not a need. I disagreed to a point. Yes, you can choose whether you actually practice, but you can’t choose who you are inside. You have either a dominant or submissive personality. There is no getting around the reality. I know for JP, he’s unsure of how others will react, given he’s lived a completely vanilla life since he started dating. The ‘but’ is huge here. He knew when he was a teenager he wanted to take the dominant role, being the commander in chief so to speak. He was very aware he was always unhappy with the equality that seemed to be forced on him given society and the concept of equal rights.
When was the last time you worked within a company and you had several leaders and the corporation worked well? I would suggest never. Too many heads butting don’t infuse respect or toleration by your fellow employees. We can’t have four Presidents running our country, or any for that matter. Domination is a deep seeded need, one that has been with us for a long time. On the flip side, many would rather submit in various aspects of their lives and this helps fulfill their very soul. Have you heard that many submissives in their relationships are very powerful in their day jobs? This is very true, but of course there is a flip side. There are some who were taught, either by their mothers or other family relationships that being subservient is a powerful role indeed. There is no weakness in longing to submit any more than there is an abusive trait in those who long to dominant. So why the distraction with public opinion? Because they refuse to understand anything but what they know and have learned.
Guess what folks, there are dozens of alternative lifestyles and I’m grateful to live in a society where we can do just that – even though serious discrimination still exists. Being a dominant isn’t about abuse and if this occurs, anyone involved should run fast and hard. Being a dominant is about acceptance and garnering a peace within oneself.
In researching the lifestyle in order to write my books, I garnered a true respect of so many couples who practice and enjoy. Their lives seem fulfilled. The dominant (whether the man or woman) balances his or her work life with the various tasks required by the submissive. This might sound fairly old fashioned to those who have no clue, but again, as mentioned in a previous blog, many aspects are based in Christianity. Having a head of household is also something we can look back in our history books and reflect on. Society began changing in the 1960’s, but did it really? Push and shove. Push and shove. That’s what we’re all doing in order to make ends meet. Relationships seem to take a back seat. Don’t they?
For the dominant male or female, finding the equilibrium with our mate is difficult at best. Love is the key and the core of course, but what if full equality isn’t working? What if you’re doing nothing but fighting every day, no matter the topic?
This is where a D/s or DD lifestyle can offer a change, hope for those who might be headed for divorce. Will this work for everyone? Of course not. But tolerance of those who are attempting to navigate their way through murky waters is vital. We’re an unforgiving society. Shame on us. We think we know best just because it’s worked for us. Well, cultures, religions, society and family tell us otherwise.
For anyone longing to be the dominant force, communication is the key. You must sit down and talk with your partner, really opening up and being completely uninhibited. When was the last time you told your spouse everything about your fears, longings, needs and desires, no matter how odd they may seem? Stop thinking about everyone else. Be you, the best you that you can be.
The concept of domination is about balance in all things. It’s also about nurturing a better life, sparking lost passion. There’s nothing wrong with your needs, but you have to understand others – especially the love of your life. Communication. Patience. Understanding. Forgiveness. These are key words you need to remember. If I’ve learned anything from my research, it’s that the world is a better place for those who think outside the box.
Kisses and spanks…