Obedience. The word truly has interesting connotations. There’s really a simple definition. There are rules or laws that are required to be followed. Sounds easy enough. Right? Well, in a D/s, DD or M/s relationship, often this can be the toughest concept of all. I’m the kind of girl who is very black and white. Either something is right or wrong. Period. I carry this throughout so many of the books I write. Ever since I was a kid, Camelot and the good versus evil methodology has stuck with me. I wrote a thesis paper in high school on the various layers of good and evil as idealized in Camelot. I kind of blew my teacher away.
So I believe I have a good understanding of what is right and wrong. However, within a D/s relationship, the “right” is often the Dom/Domme’s way. This can certainly mean many things. In my world, JP has a very clear concept of what he thinks are the correct rules for me to follow. Granted, they’ve changed over time as he’s matured in his role. What he and I talked about even a year ago has been upgraded so to speak. What do I mean? He’s much more confident in requiring whatever he commands of me. I think this hold true for those maturing in their D/s journey. What works for one couple doesn’t necessarily work for another. Twists and turns alter the vision.
What I’ve realized is that while I long to please him, thereby following his requirements, the girl inside tends to fight even the most basic requests. We were talking about something yesterday and I stated that I hated waiting. Of course he came back with teasing me about my virtues with regard to patience. I’ve often said I’m here on this earth again (I believe in reincarnation) to learn patience as a virtue and until I do, I’ll never move on. I think I’ll be around for thousands of years. UGH.
This weekend marks the beginning of what I consider to be the most difficult time of my life. From this weekend last year on, the bottom dropped out of my world. I admit I’m finally much happier now with my profession as well as my personal life, but the rocky road changed me forever. I don’t need to take you down that ugly path, but I can say, I’ve learned a hell of a lot as a woman and as a submissive. Obedience is one tiny aspect of this past year that I’ve come to terms with.
Being a submissive means challenging your inner soul. You have to look inside yourself and ask very difficult questions. You have to be prepared for conflicting answers. If you’re not necessarily born a full submissive in nature, or you were nurtured into being more assertive, truly succumbing is tougher than you might imagine. I’ve often said that I think you either have or don’t have a submissive or dominating nature. I also believe you can have two sides. I stand by this, but culture, society, your family and how you grew up and even your friends allow you to morph the inner person. Often this results in a serious conflict in your psyche.
I know I’ve experienced anxiety about this and I don’t think I was truly aware that there was a bit of a war going on inside my soul. I’m such a borderline aggressive personality in my career and in my every day life. I tend to make rules and give direction. I’ve always done this. I’ve always been considered a leader in whatever I was attempting. This creates tension within a D/s relationship. How can I be obedient if I have the natural urge to say no or ask the ‘why’ question? Daunting. There’s another word I’ve become very close with. The challenges both JP and I have faced have been interesting to say the least. Yes, we’ve learned much more about ourselves and each other. Yes, we’ve had to ask tough questions and I’ve had to embrace a more patient nature. Yes, I laugh at myself.
When JP tells me to do something, I trust in him and his wishes. He’s never placed or pushed me into either a dangerous or debilitating position. That’s not his nature, but of course this isn’t the case with every relationship, whether D/s or vanilla. I’ve written many a blog about the difference in abuse versus methods of control. For a submissive, the trust factor is huge. If the Dom commands his submissive to act, perform or follow an order, she (or he) has to feel innately that his decision is well thought out and won’t be harmful. Do you trust your significant other this strongly? If he asked you to perform a task, would you question? That’s the crux of what can be the most difficult aspect for a submissive to learn and in turn, for the Dom as well.
JP and I have talked many a time about his responsibility as a Dom. He takes his authority and position as one of importance. He must know and respect his needs while incorporating mine. He often worries that he isn’t doing or saying the right thing. For him, being able to talk with other Dom’s is vital. Unfortunately he hasn’t allowed himself to do this but so often.
There’s always fear in what some men regard as a weakness. Asking questions can be perceived this way, but as he continues to wrap his arms around his personal ‘rulebook’ for me, he’s had to expand his thoughts and horizons. I’ve encouraged him to read, seek out the advice of others and to formulate his views and desires, communicating them with me often. He does. He tells me his darkest longings because he knows I learned about and respected the man first, the Dom after months of open conversations. He’s embraced his own personal parameters, which has allowed/forced me to face my own. The process has been…a wild ride.
I see the aspect of becoming a submissive and learning to be obedient as a series of steps. They are different for everyone. Here are my thoughts.
One. You must spend time alone, delving into all the questions that will come up. Why am I doing this? Why do I feel I’m a submissive? How will this affect my every day life? What will others think of me if they find out? How can I do this?
I imagine you’ve had a chill or two trickle down your spine right about now. These can be tough questions to answer, but until you do, you’ll never feel confident or comfortable becoming an obedient servant.
Two. You have to have long and deep conversations with the man (or woman) you are entering into a lifestyle change with. You have to ask him questions. What do you want out of this? What kinds of things are you going to have me do? What are your limits? What if I disobey you? These won’t be answered easily or quickly. They will involve perhaps tears, angst, and even anger, but once answered, this is when you both can begin to move forward.
Three. You begin the process within your journey. Perhaps the Dom establishes a basic set of rules – whether we’re talking about sexual aspects or even the basics of daily communication. Some Dom’s require their submissives to let them know exactly where they are at all times. You have no idea how often I’ve forgotten to tell him when I’ve arrived somewhere. The basic concept sounds simple, but when you’re used to doing things when you want to, this can be a much more difficult task than you realize.
Four. You both have to admit when the rulebook needs to change. This is a truly a journey you’re both undertaking and there are going to be missteps and mistakes. Allow both of you to understand and communicate. This is vital in the health of your relationship and where you’re going.
I can’t express enough how I’ve grown as a woman, a friend, a lover and as a submissive. Every day I learn something new about myself and about JP. There are discouraging times as well as exciting and enlightening. I can tell you that we’re closer than the majority of couples are. That in itself allows me to continue in my growth. I hope I’ve given you some thoughts.
Kisses and spanks.