We all have a dark side. I’ve been reminded of this during the last few weeks. We desire sex and passion. We long to be thrilled by movies that give us nightmares. We long for… You fill in the blank.
When I first met John Patrick, he mentioned right up front that he knew he had an extremely dark side, one that kept his thoughts and desires locked away. I certainly know him better than anyone else and why? I’ve talked about this before. We live in a very vanilla society. This precludes sharing aspects of our deep hungers. I’m not just talking about sex either. Kink is often seen as deviant or loathsome. We criticize what we don’t understand. We snicker when sex is mentioned at the office then spend time on our computers enjoying porn or websites catering to servicing absolute pleasures. Of course we don’t tell anyone, do we? The mask is tightly woven around us. The majority of humans are followers, preferring to hide in their own shadows, no matter how monstrous. Yes, I used the word.
Why? Because during the course of the last few weeks, I’ve tried to push aside my own thoughts for various reasons. Of course I know why. I attempted to shove the real girl into a box. I haven’t been able to write more than a few thousand words. I haven’t allowed myself to blog for fear of… Well, the answer disgusts me. Months ago I chastised JP because he told me that entering into the darkness (in his case being a Dominant and longing for the D/s lifestyle) was nothing more than a choice. He not only pushed his darkness into a big, black box, but also locked it with a double chain and padlock.
This frustrated the hell out of me. I talked to him, cajoled him more than once then finally I realized that he needed to accept if he’d be able to embrace the truth and the man inside. After months of talking about everything under the sun except the lifestyle, he finally broke free. The frank and rather heartfelt discussion one beautiful December afternoon was eye opening for both of us. He told me he’d come to understand what I’d been telling him for almost two years. The darkness isn’t a choice. Unbridled, intense hungers are something every man and woman has. Whether our desires center around sex, love, helping our fellow man or in some cases, violence, if you search your soul, you’ll understand. Embracing and allowing is the choice.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m in no way suggesting that if you have a penchant for murder that you should act on your vile thoughts. However, if you’re an author, you can certainly explore various methods, utilizing creative implements. That doesn’t make any of us a murderer. Penning stories where you have heroes and heroines who maim and kill is nothing more than using explosive imagination. Sometimes this is a delicious exercise. Writers challenge themselves and that’s how we’re able pen better books.
Sex and the draw of submission or domination are no different. For JP, he told me that he finally accepted the fact he must share this aspect with someone he can trust. At this point he has no one else he can talk to or trust with his yearning but me. I feel honored. He’s no different in real life than the rest of us. He goes to work, pays his bills, purchases groceries and enjoys football on Sunday afternoons. He enjoys music and books and we talk about every concept that intrigues him you can imagine. BUT…there are days he simply enjoys being able to discuss frankly his need to own a submissive. This is a powerful draw for him and as I’ve mentioned in earlier blogs, not something he invented when we first talked. This has been with him his entire life. He simply had no idea what his dark needs meant or how to express them.
On this sunny day a few weeks ago, he opened up. He understands he’ll never be able to fully live the life that makes him happy, but at least he can enjoy aspects with me. We talk about his bag of implements. We talk about his desire for polyamory. He has no fear I’ll feel jealous or threatened. Why? Because I totally understand him in every way.
I feel the same about him. There is nothing he doesn’t know about me – good or bad. His full admission forced me to think. I’ve been pushing so hard against my own demons that I allowed outside distractions to keep me from the love of writing and the joy of sharing. That’s just wrong. I’ve never been one to be lured into a closet, tossing away the inner girl and her emotions. This has been my strength my entire life. I realize many don’t understand me, even through the vision of my stories. I can understand now how others feel. Fear. Blinding terror of the unknown.
What now given my newfound realization? I write again. I mentioned weeks ago that I was bored to death writing sex. That statement certainly rings true, however in certain stories and books, sex is a way of telling at least a portion of the story. There’s nothing wrong with a steamy moment in the shower, sharing passion during a picnic or in some cases, savoring a hard spanking. For me, this just needs to be tempered. I started writing science fiction, then moved to horror stories and finally romance/erotic. My true love is all about thrillers and the last pieces I was working on center around a combination of horror, thriller and some aspects of kink.
For two years or so, I haven’t watched television (other than The Walking Dead) or read a book. Over the course of the last three months I’ve watched movies, some extremely bloody and violent. I have friends who tease me because they know I have books about how to create the perfect kill. I do indeed. These fabulous creations are books for authors, allowing us to write real methods of using firearms and knives, poison and gas. Some might say this is a perfect setting for real life killers. Oh come on. The Internet is a fabulous tool, even for psychotics. There’s no need to read a book any longer. You simply pull up a Google page and viola, you’re an expert on injecting pesticides into the body or purchasing the correct knife for cutting through the carotid artery.
With regard to sex, the same thing applies. You can learn about the art of using rope to tie an individual. You can read about every implement used for a hard spanking, when and where. I do ask though, are our imaginative minds enough to re-create the moment a knife is thrust into someone’s neck, or the way a leather belt feels slapping against a naked ass? Interesting questions, don’t you think?
The best authors can bridge this gap by watching movies, reading books and imaging the event. We learn the craft by talking to others, exploring ideas and continuing to write on a daily basis. I know when I’ve hit the mark. I’ve cried reading my own work. Then I know the love scene or the darkness of death is damn good. I’ve shuddered when I go back over a gruesome murder and the way I’ve embodied the spirit and ugly soul of a monster. I also laugh when I imagine the bantering scene two women have when discussing the hot guy in the restaurant they’re at. This is when writing is at its best.
Thankfully the writing is freer now. I don’t have nearly as much time but I’m writing again. I’m finishing up some very creative pieces regarding D/s and I just couldn’t let them go. I always finish stories and I plan on doing so. What’s helped unlocked my personal dungeon? John Patrick. His bravery at being able to accept the man inside has given me perhaps courage again. That sounds a bit odd, doesn’t it? Think about the notion. When was the last time you had a heart to heart with a friend or family member in which you were allowed to truly open up? When was the last time you were able to be yourself without fear of retribution? A long time? Then it’s about time.
The joy of writing is paramount in my life. The need to speak my mind, both in books and in real life, is a part of me that I can’t and won’t deny. Sex and kink. Bad words? Oh come on. Violence and murder? We all race to the latest gruesome horror flick with a candy box in hand, salivating at the extreme amounts of blood and gore. Mmm… Now I’m ready to write.
I’ll share a couple of rather gritty and sexy pieces over the next couple of days. I think you might like where my rather warped mind is taking me. We shall see what creative images I have during the next few months. Ready for more?
Kisses and spanks…