I tell you what I learn so much every day and enjoy having conversations with other writers as well as both men and women in alternative lifestyles. Something that came up just today was a question – are you more submissive or slave? Hmmm… Isn’t that a question worth some thought? I think there needs to be a distinction for authors as well as those considering the lifestyle for many reasons. There’s too many catch phrases floating around and I take it to heart writing with accuracy.
Being a slave and a submissive are two entirely different things. We’ve heard a lot about submissives through the majority of writings done by most erotic authors. A submissive hungers and allows for her Dom to take control, perhaps in all aspects of her life, but she does have a life of her own. She typically works and has friends, does make certain choices on her own and while she may be collared and knows her place, she has one of her own. Being a slave is different. Sometimes some Masters call their slaves property, making certain the slave has no ability to choose anything period. Of course this lifestyle is entered into consensually by both parties. The woman has hungered to be owned, her life taken completely into his hands. She’s also given up her right to choose the majority of aspects in her life. He will have her dress a certain way, perfect acts a certain way. He will truly own her.
For many slaves they know that the Master will and can do many things to them, their person and their body, whether sexually or otherwise. They may be taken sexually at anytime and anywhere and may be shared with others. The slave can be degraded or humiliated if he so chooses and he often will use them to do all the housework, the yard
work, cook and clean, and sometimes work while he earns the benefit so to speak. Of course there are variations to this and each couple is different. But I can tell you being a slave is a far cry from being a submissive in body and soul. There is an intense draw on both sides, but some who are slaves think of themselves as property. That’s not a simple concept at all and I’m not going to try and delve psychologically into the deep seeded desires. I wouldn’t do it justice.
I can tell you I’ve talked with women who want nothing more than to be property. They was to be used in every manner and feel they aren’t whole without being owned by a strong Master who takes no shit and treats them in ways the majority of vanilla people wouldn’t understand. How could you? We’ve been so conditioned that all men and women are equal and anything outside the normal box is well, abnormal, even bordering on sick. No, it’s not. Giving your body and soul to a man as a slave is very freeing and something that is a need – an urgency.
In writing erotic romance, I’ve spent hours and hours researching my craft. I think all good writers do and as you can imagine, learning more about certain erotic arts and activities has been fascinating. There are many aspects of the genre and the flavors can be from fairly vanilla laced with a touch of kink to living the lifestyle. One of the flavors I enjoy writing about is BDSM – I don’t mean simply light spanking and toys that you and your partner order and enjoy. I certainly do have many of those delicious little bits in my books along with ménage, public display and voyeurism, but I’m also talking about a practiced art where two or more people consent into entering into a life of pleasure that stretches the boundaries.
This can mean something like playtime where you enjoy delving into a highly trusted relationship where one of you takes the dominating position while the other submissive and learn the art of pleasure and pain. For those of you that don’t understand the lifestyle where it’s for play or living the life all the time, trust is the number one factor. It’s the strongest bond between the couple and without it the participants will never be comfortable and feel a level of freedom to throw their inhibitions aside. You’ve all heard about the safe word, but there is so much more to the lifestyle than that. I’ve been asked many times how you know if you’re the Dominate or the submissive and generally I think most of us know if we want to take the control in the bedroom or have our partner be the one in charge. Some people enjoy being a switch, which means they can take both roles.
I think any of us (vanilla type people) who are curious might begin with spanking that turns into experimenting with toys and perhaps moving into a touch of role play or even going as far as tying your partner to an apparatus and using floggers and whips. There again, most of these activities are truly vanilla in flavor and design but you certainly can enjoy ecstasy and anguish. Let’s talk about something a little heavier. In doing my research, I’ve talked to several full time Dom’s – in my case males that have a female slave that belongs to them. They are collared and they were kind enough to help me understand what that entails. If you ever have a craving to taste a bit of the lifestyle, I assure you that it doesn’t mean flogging and violet wands the first day out – and sometimes it never means this kind of kink.
Entering into the lifestyle a newbie, your practiced Dom will bring you slowly into the lifestyle. Perhaps you are a jeans wearer and can’t stand dresses and heels. It’s likely your Dom will have you wear nothing but dresses for two weeks. He might have you call him at a certain time every day or perhaps take a picture to send to him at the exact time he tells you. The types of requirement are simply to build complete total trust. One thing that so many people don’t understand, the sub truly has the control in the relationship. The Dom, while in charge per say, heeds your needs and desires and that gives him or her pleasure. I think this is true in whether you’re a slave or a submissive but the more I read and research the more I realize I have a lot to learn.
There is no cookie cutter as many people often try to do. There are rule books and rules presented by Dom’s and submissive all over the world. What’s right for one might not be right for others. However he may be strict from the get go and you will know what you must do – not what is asked but what is required and disobedience will NOT be tolerated.
Some people live this lifestyle (this is not a slave/Master situation, but moving into the lifestyle) only during playtime or maybe at night after work and behind closed doors. There is still some fear and apprehension of being found out so many develop friendships with other couples or societies that also enjoy. I wanted to introduce you to one such society. I’ve talked with a couple of members and while this is completely consensual in all aspects, they have been banned from sites and web addresses continually. They are… Code d’ Odalisque. This is a lifestyle of pleasurable slavery in which the Dom is a male and the female signs a contract with their dom. Here’s the actual definition:
It is a genre or style of non-violent consensual slave play engaged in by willing adult men and women. It is a modern revival of aspects of the historical institution of odalisque (female sexual servant) in a consensual form. Play is guided by a written code of rules, etiquette and protocols. The genre or style is an alternative sub-culture within the broader BDSM community; play includes aspects of bondage and discipline, dominance and submission but not sado-masochism. The use of pain and degradation is forbidden under the Code. The values of the Code are hedonistic and pleasure-oriented combining exotic elements from Turkish/Persian erotic culture with modern, Western hardcore tastes. The structure of play is based upon the relationship between a male Slavekeeper and a female slave. Play is essentially heterosexual in character.
They enter into a contract with their master – here’s what it entails:
Slave play in Code d’ Ode is governed by a system of contract. The first principle of contract is consent. All players must be legal, sane adults and must be fully consenting. The system of contract is designed to protect all parties, especially the female slave. In the first instance, a slave must draft and sign a Contract of Submission which sets out the shape and limits of her submission to slavery. This can then be modified as required by a further contract called a ‘Plea for Mercy’. This system is very flexible. All contracts must be signed by three persons. The contractual provisions of the Code were developed in consultation with legal professionals and in view of the best advice regarding the legal issues inherent in Master/slave relationships, but no claims are made for the legal integrity of Code contracts. Such contracts have no actual legal status but are quasi-legal and are designed to ensure strict adherence to the principle of consent above all. Many legal cases have demonstrated that consent is a problematic matter in Master/slave dominant/submissive relationships. The Code is carefully crafted to provide as much protection to players as possible.
There are many other societies and some are much darker with using creative and sometimes painful forms of punishment to keep their slaves in line. I’ve been on forums in which both slaves and their masters talk. One thing I have found that if you are collared by your master, if punishment entails having your collar taken away, it’s horrendous. The slaves I have talked to are truly finally at peace with themselves because of succumbing to the lifestyle. Many come from terrible relationships where the other partner never understood them. Finding a master is like finding a home. You’re heard me say this before. Securing the right situation is fulfilling in so many ways.
Whatever you enjoy and need, remember you must know without your heart and soul and communicate as well as trust, learn, listen etc. Take your time finding what you want and you will – but be true to you first and foremost. Ask yourself – submissive or slave?