Living Apart in a D/s Relationship…Rules, Rituals and Protocols

The three words probably evoke various thoughts and emotions depending on our lives, our relationships and the way we feel about obeying any of them. I’ve learned quite a bit over the last few months about each of the three, although I have NO doubt there will be much more that I need to learn. In any D/s relationship there are going to be rules. These can be predicated by a contract itemized and agreed to with a Dom and his (or her) submissive or they can come with time. John Patrick has issued very few rules up to this point. He’s very concerned with safety first and foremost and even this single rule about Invading her Thoughtstelling him when I come and go at all times I’ve managed to violate. UGH. His thoughts on developing copious rules are that creating them for just the concept of the need isn’t something he’s interested in nor does he believe will ‘stick’ with me. He’s right (as he usually is). I’m a woman who follows few rules – a ‘balls to the walls’ kind of gal.

However, I certainly know rules are necessary and I’m completely accepting of the fact there will be additional ones imposed in the future. Yet we live apart. We don’t get to see each other every day. We can’t interact the way certain couples – whether D/s or vanilla – are allowed to. So we have to make the time not only amazing but also efficient. Yes, efficient.

What I realized as he and I were having this topic of conversation is that perhaps I don’t need a litany of rules as much as I do a heightened level of structure. He agreed with me, knowing that I’m craving more in my depth of devotion. Submitting in a way both the Dom and submissive need takes time, practice and patience. In our case, a lot of conversations are really drawing us closer together as a couple in both the vanilla and D/s world as well as allowing thoughts, ideas and various aspects to float out in the open. I am forever amazed how much his words of guidance support what we’re trying to achieve.

Structure – the concept might be daunting for some. How do you guide, train, Ribbon tiednurture, or encourage a woman who’s pretty much had full control of the thick reins her entire life? That’s an entire lifetime worth of conversations if you ask me. Structure is different in context than rules because he’s not issuing edicts that I have to follow on a day to day basis. John Patrick is offering methods, allowing my ability to grasp becoming more submissive in my actions, my handling of life with and around him. In other words I’m given an insight into his needs as a man as well as a Dom and these needs predicate the way I act in public as well as in private time. John Patrick put this notion succinctly today. Few of us meet our friends for a family barbeque or are introduced to the new office staff member, hold out our hand and say, “hi, I’m a heterosexual who simply enjoys basic vanilla sex. How are you and what do you enjoy?” That ain’t gonna happen. Right? So why or would you place right in the open the fact you’re living or practicing a D/s lifestyle? Some do. Some couples prefer to be completely in the open. If anyone asks I would happily tell them (I do here all the time) but there’s a time and a place to let people know and/or talk about any alternative lifestyle.

That doesn’t mean that certain levels of structured respect, a required way I behave in any circumstance, be pushed aside because vanilla life interferes. What I honestly grasped recently is that the vanilla life does indeed interfere with the way I interact with John Patrick. After doing some soul searching I was able to understand that I need to bridge this straight or real life concept into being a submissive. The more I’m able to do this the easier it will be as we continue in our journey. So, having said this he and I realize there need to be certain protocols when we meet – and yes there will be varying methods depending on where we are and if we’re in public or private.

For a completely public situation, especially in front of family, friends or co-workers, this might entail a look, a quiet gesture when he approves a request or to let me know I’m crossing a line. In a semi-private moment – a restaurant or meeting in an office – I might begin with greeting him a certain way, allowing him to be the first one to speak and ask questions. Perhaps he’ll order a drink for me before he begins the conversation. This is different for every couple, a moment shared and decided on that creates a nurturing environment to encourage the submissive’s switch from being the woman in charge to the woman in submission. That’s something I need and we’re just figuring out what he’d like for me to do and how I’ll be required to act. In private, his necessary desires no doubt will be completely different. He may have a way I must stand, present myself as well as dress in a certain way for him. He may Mine alwaysrequire a drink be made, an implement of discipline laid out. Yes, he may command me to perform a certain act – whether sexual or otherwise. Something I read that seemed interestingly appealing is a way of shedding the vanilla life after walking through the door, giving him your keys and removing your watch, business clothes etc.

All of these things really would be much easier if we lived together. You might think that a small amount of structure would be easier in a finite period of time. What I know about me is that I tend to fall back into the vanilla mode far too easily, forgetting my place. He should have the respect he’s already earned through our incredible conversations and moments together. I’m striving to make the switch from power woman to power exchange easier.

Rituals are something else entirely. In getting into the mindset of being a submissive I have come to believe certain rituals would be helpful. By the way, Dom’s have them as well. He reads everything he can get his hands on, talking to me and sharing thoughts. Everything he learns he uses the information to examine his own needs, desires that he will discuss with me before considering turning into any rule or protocol. For me, reading, thinking and delving further into the deep mindset (the big brain as he calls it) truly helps, especially over time. But… That’s not enough. So… We’re exploring and learning together, growing as we talk more. Living and exploring a D/s lifestyle isn’t easy nor is it perfect, but with every day I grow, he and I grow together, I want more. I need more. That has to be telling in it’s own right. And before you ask, no, I couldn’t do this with just any man. He is…special.

Kisses and spanks…


About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
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