Reflections on a Quiet Dom and Willful Sub

What have you learned this year? Are you glad the year is ready to end and looking forward to 2015? Are you praying to God certain things will change? Has there been a single nemesis hanging over your head? Tough questions. At least for me.

This is the period of time we tend to reflect on the year behind and the one ahead of us, as well as aspects of our entire life. I think as we get older we do this more than when we were twenties. Perhaps this is much more about time passing by so quickly or the fact there are aspects of certain desires we refuse to push aside any longer. Of course the age-old New Year’s Resolutions come into play and for the majority of us we fail because our list is too grandiose. When we’re missing something or someone we crave, we often tell ourselves we are going to make changes. Then when the opportunity arises, fear creeps in. Yes, the older we get the less we’re willing to change. We live with complacency like a noose hanging around our necks.

I’ve often written that few people change and I honestly believe that’s very true. While “the experts” say that any habit can be broken in two weeks, I think anyone who’s struggled with any addiction will laugh in your face. Now imagine behaviors that have been a part of you your entire life. There is no way you can completely push them aside for you or for anyone else. That’s why so many marriages and relationships fail. People go in with blinders during the honeymoon period, then when reality sets in they believe they can change the person. Women are especially bad at this. Ladies, you ain’t gonna change them. And they can’t change us. We want and like exactly what’s swirling around us.

Now all of this sounds like a negative, but there are situations in which the inner YOU is destined to breach the surface, force its way past the mask you’ve been wearing. We all hide behind some aspect of who we think we are or who others perceive us to be, including me. That’s why this year in particular I’m doing quite a bit of reflecting. I mentioned in a previous blog that a reader and submissive has been experiencing her own trials and tribulations this year with her Dom. Her Dom doubted his abilities as well as his desires to continue in the lifestyle. This kind of pull back affects both the Dom and submissive. They are completely intertwined, or should be.

As you well know, John Patrick has been going through this. Over these almost two months of ups and downs with him, I’ve learned much more about the man inside. Not at first. The silence lasted until I was at breaking point, but in saying this, I found my personal quiet resolve. I realized just this morning something pretty powerful, I’m learning patience – something John Patrick (and just about everyone else who know me) told me over and over again. Funny how my sadness turned into patience, then resolve and understanding about myself as well as about him. You can’t push him and when I finally stopped being a girl for once (no laughing) and just tried to be there in any way I could, his shell began to crack. Fear and self-loathing are so damaging.

We’ve all done this to ourselves. We’ve worried about hurting others or tried to be something we’re not. Then when the situation becomes ugly, we become frustrated and often times angry with our behavior or lack there-of. We second guess what we said or didn’t say in an effort to find our way through the valley of darkness. We all make mistakes. We’re all very human yet we refuse to forgive ourselves first for the foibles we present.

Within a D/s relationship, there are some core traits that in my opinion every Dominant and submissive must learn to embrace. Trust. Patience. Understanding. Openness. Discovery. Respect. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Love. These are very powerful words. For every couple they can mean many aspects, tools to guide them in their journey. For the Dom and the sub all alone, they can be the light helping through times of darkness. I’ve been nothing more at times with John Patrick than a very willful submissive, pushing his buttons for all the reasons I think kids push and shove their parents’. They long for some sense of approval. There is no difference in a D/s relationship. The sub wants to be considered a ‘good girl’ and the Dom needs to know he’s garnered respect for all the right reasons. Our love became all-consuming to the point we were blinded. Meanwhile real life hovered around us, finally forcing both of us into a retreat.

When you as a couple struggle for all the various reasons a vanilla relationship endure then add on top the intensity D/s brings, can be a recipe for damnation. John Patrick has a very dark side and his personal reflection over the last two months in particular has changed him. I can see how he’s grown as a man as well as a Dom. He was forced to pick apart scabs that he’d placed over deep wounds from years ago, exposing the true man he is inside. He’s not there yet. The darkness is ready to consume him every day. His vulnerability has allowed me a different look, a more concentrated and intense glimpse inside. For him, accepting who he truly is has taken a lot of gut wrenching moments in the darkness. He thought he was wrong. He was told he was wrong and horrible and disgusting. He’s beginning to see his light. He’s beginning to trust in himself, forgiving his sins as well as honoring love, love of himself as what we shared. That’s why we can be friends.

Did you notice the words I used?

For me, the months have forced me to look deep inside at my level of understanding about D/s and the journey. I’ve also had to discover an inner strength and embrace that certain things in my life just weren’t working. Writing is a good example. Things have to change. I can spit out hundreds of books but if they’re not selling, is the effort worth it? My ugly day job seems to get uglier with each passing month, or perhaps I’m just tired of the 3 hour commute every day. The people I work with have hidden agendas and I can’t take game players. Time for a change? These are the kinds of personal reflections I’ve been doing along with questioning whether I can truly submit to anyone.

Everyone goes through this. We all need time to process what we believe we hunger for or the things that we can no longer tolerate. If major changes truly are needed, how can you do them without taking some very private reflective time in order to do so? I’ve said how many times things happen for a reason. If that’s really the case, then we all need to learn patience. Ugh, the word and attribute that will forever remain my nemesis. But I’m learning. Would I change the year? Of course in many ways, but the experiences I’ve had including being forced to self-publish books released by one publisher have been invaluable. My ability to let go, being completely open and honest with John Patrick, trusting him implicitly led to weeks of raw emotion, anguish unlike anything I’d ever experienced. BUT…I wouldn’t change what we shared or what happened because the highs and lows forced us both to reflect and to realize what’s most important. Time has a way of healing, smoothing out the ridges. For he and I, time has allowed something else – more honesty. We shall see where this leads.

As you think about your life, reflect on the good as well as the bad. Don’t fall down your own rabbit hole, but if you do try and remember, a light remains in the distance. It’s how you grab onto the path leading that will determine how long until you bask in the warmth.

Kisses and spanks…

Cassandre