Safe, Sane and Consensual

You’ve probably heard these words spread around with regards to BDSM at least once or twice. They’ve become in a sense the ‘buzzwords’ for understanding that playing with aspects of kink to living the lifestyle is about all three. As I’ve written so many times, there are far too many men and women, who have zero understanding about the concept of BDSM, that believe all of the behavior is about abuse. They think no one could or should ever tolerate being dominated by another.

Then again, there are idiots in this world who jump into the D/s, M/s or flavors of BDSM Know the differenceand never plan on encapsulating the bigger picture. They aren’t going to learn the craft or read about various safety concerns. They’re certainly not going to take a class on safe methods of rope play or the correct way of wielding a flogger so as to not ascertain permanent injuries. I’ve met a few guys (and women too) who act cavalier about their decision to “enter” into the world of becoming a Dom. They label themselves Master and King and set out to find a slave – not just a submissive. They’ve accepted the role of leader, believing they are entitled to have everything they want. They believe they deserve to be served every day, no matter what they ask. Hogwash and bullshit.

I’ve had more than a few men approach me, telling me I needed to be “broken” and they could save me. Me, being me, not only laughed, but I said a few juicy words in retort. I’m nobody’s slave, and certainly not Mr. Asshole who thwarts his nose at everyone living a safe, sane and consensual lifestyle. I also try and educate truly interested submissives and Dom/Domme’s about what I’ve learned and as I’ve told you, I take what I write very seriously. I’m no expert – not that any of us can be – and I learn something every day from reading and being involved in open discussions.

First of all, I can’t preach enough that this is very consensual. Whether you’re the dominant or the submissive, you’re undertaking a huge responsibility. A decision to add aspects of playtime or living it 24/7 must be up to you. If not, then get out. I can’t stress this enough. If in your heart of hearts you long to be owned, submit to someone or dominate another human being, much of what you know in life will change – for the better, in my opinion, but this is your choice alone.

Sane – well, the decisions made must be ones that have forethought. Given for some couples, the methodology of pain is included, techniques of the craft must be learned. Even changing roles where one has more of the controlling power isn’t to be entered into lightly. Both the Dom and the submissive have to communicate desires, frustrations, concerns, and fears openly. Often spankings might be the only punishment utilized, but for many couples, they decide to delve into everything from cage time, asphyxiation, electric 1Power Exchangeplay, bondage, needles and knives. Few of us have an intimate knowledge of any of these. Fewer still know the consequences if the act is handled incorrectly.

This is also where safety comes into play. Do you remember when I mentioned the first Dom who truly allowed me into his world? He and I had very frank conversations when I started writing about BDSM. We sat together, drinking coffee and going over his amazing life. He’s much older and has been practicing for decades, learning his craft in Vietnam when he was stationed there. He was very lucky, having been interned by a practicing Master in the country who had many submissives who served him.

In the Eastern countries, D/s and M/s (Dominant/submissive and Master/slave) are considered an honored lifestyle. This is very different than the way the Western world looks at the alternative style of relationships. The Dom or Master is revered in the East, held in the highest respect. The Master taught this Dom techniques involving the body and mind. He was taught how to use implements and developed his own collection of favored pieces. He allowed me to see his prized possessions, explaining the use of every one. He also told me stories about his experiences as well as those of friends who’d decided on a D/s journey. He considers himself a Master and I was very impressed with his thoughtful words, his complete dedication.

I was reminded of how much I respected him last night. I have a friend who listens and doesn’t judge anyone, including what I enjoy or write about. I value her friendship and we’ve talked about BDSM fairly frankly given she has no desire to add any aspect to her life. I texted her late, simply asking if she was okay. After a few minutes I had a series of odd texts back from her, indicating she was embroiled in some moments of light BDSM. Knowing her, I peppered her with questions. The answers were out of character and I grew more concerned. After a few minutes it came to light she wasn’t texting, but her boyfriend – no doubt trying to be funny.

I was rather incensed and said a few not so nice things. Why? Because I know the guy has no clue about her inhibitions or what levels of trust he might have broken.

Trust and communication are so vital. You have to know the person inside and out, bearing your soul before you can EVER consider adding anything other than perhaps fuzzy handcuffs and a fun spanking before sex. I’ve read about too many couples that decide they’re going to play with ropes, or try the Violet Wand just for kicks. Uh, can I scream out NO! Why did the hairs on the back of my neck stand up last night?

Because a story my Master friend told me flew into my mind. As he was telling me about a very good and long time friend of his, his face darkened. The friend was married and enjoyed living the M/s lifestyle with his wife. They decided to try asphyxiation. They texted each other, sent emails regarding the subject and decided to try one night. Tragedy struck and she died. Immediately his friend called the police and the only reason he wasn’t charged with a crime were the texts and emails showing she was a willing participant. The entire event left my Dom friend with an intense understanding of A lot more thanhow important adding any aspects of kink into his D/s relationships were. He never tried this with any of his submissives and cautioned me not to add this into my writing, given too many might read and want to try, without fully embracing the cautions needed. To date, I haven’t and don’t plan on writing. I don’t understand, nor could I write with conviction or knowledge about this. I know the basics of a D/s life. I learn more every day, but I won’t put something out there in writing that would potentially cause others, who have no business getting involved in, to try. Not gonna do it.

Writing stories is a world of fantasy. Too many people believe I’ve either tried or even live everything I write. That would make me a blood sucking, killing, knife wielding, kink star who has a dungeon and wears a combination of leather and lace. Right. I write about fantasies of others, garnering ideas in various methods. I have an imagination larger than life and always have, but I realize that too many of my readers take to heart what I write, believing in every word or longing to experience the larger than life aspects.

The world of BDSM is fascinating and I applaud couples who discuss, converse, learn, talk to others, experiment, fail and try again. BUT… Remember writers pen stories. Remember that those who embrace D/s in any regard have (or must) learn everything they can before they begin their personal journey. I can’t caution enough. Safe, sane and consensual. Yes, the words really do matter. I hope I’ve given you some thoughts.

Kisses and spanks…



About Cassandre Dayne

Cassandre Dayne is the pseudo for the best selling author of romantic suspense and thrillers
This entry was posted in BDSM, Domestic Discipline, Domination and submission, Spanking and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Safe, Sane and Consensual

  1. laurellasky says:

    Wonderful post. I’m learning so much from your posts. Safe and sane are the keys.
    Big hugs


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